Realizations

Not a poem

Here i am trying to find beauty in the angst
Revelation in the confusion
Amusement in the frustration
And i realize this is why people run
they run as fast as the adrenaline rises in their heart carry their feet
they run to make shift island of smoke and rivers of alcohol so they don't think

because when you think, you realize

and when you realize, you feel

and on the other side of your teenage meltdown
there's only pain

heartbreak and pain and dirty shoelaces
heartbreak and pain and tear stained pillow cases
heartbreak and pain and unwritten confessions

in my attempt to transcend my own emotions
i try to fit the frames of my life through the lens of a coming of age film
where you laugh and you laugh even when there's no reason to

But you laugh because the wind is in your hair
the sun is licking your cheeks
and you're bigger than whatever it is that's buried in your mind

you're bigger than anyone that tries to take hold of your emotions

because to laugh
is to make little of what wants to be felt

to laugh
is to push aside the pounding in your chest

to laugh is to keep silent the voices in your head

and i laugh.

i laugh until i realize
i can only choose between two extremities

to transcend and laugh at everything
be mesmerized by a visage i so carefully paint
There is no feeling, only wonder
amazement and wonder

or i could cry
and just be overwhelmed by the drowning of my own overthinking
my own faults
my own emotions

i could admit to myself
that im not in control
i could admit
that ive lost the reigns to my mind
and it has me on a choke hold