5.4.18

Everything feels like a dream
These distant memories they can't even haunt me right because i barely remember
But they come to me in shudders
in waves
in whispers
in song
The stares of different admirers and I can barely see your face
I can barely remember what ensued
only the sentiments that followed
the imprints of my thoughts on a memory
The ones i thought would live on forever,
now foggy.
And even the words themselves
they're barely hanging on
The feelings themslves
they have dissipated into the ground beneath my feet.
But it's like my heart remembers even if my mind doesn't.
And it hurts inside
even if i don't remember why.

I don't even know if I miss you
Or what i thought we had
or what i thought we could have had
or what we didn't have.

2.12.17

We don't like to admit it
But at least for me, I've come to realize
People are expandable
Some are harder to replace
But most - a lot easier to let go of then we believe so

Doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or less impactful or deep
Seasons come and seasons go
Just like people and the relationships they shared with you
Sometimes we get to revisit certain memories with new faces
Or venture into new territories with familiar souls
Either ways
No point holding on to something that's ran its course until it's time for its return
Or maybe some things or some people don't get a revisit
And that's ok
That's why
No matter how beautiful or tragic a moment is, it's significance betrays you with the passage of time
Everything moves on
Life itself
Time itself
There's no point holding on to anything
anything at all
Anything worth keeping needs renewing
Anything worth remembering deserves to be remembered the way it was
untainted without you holding on too dearly to it

-

And soon all these people and all these relationships of 2017
I wonder how relevant they'll be 12 months from now
How much would we have allowed ourselves to grow by letting go of what was
what should have been and what could have been
What should continue being and what must be
Because though some choices are up to us to make
we tend to prioritize familiarity over risk

And i don't want to live in a nostalgia of a future that should be
trapped in the present moment of all i aspire for myself
instead of living
letting go
and discovering

instead, being stuck in a loop of rediscovery upon rediscovery
upon rediscovery.
it gets sickening after a while
to lead yourself into thinking you're growing
when you've only grown as much as you have fallen behind.
What kind of a life is that

hypocrisy is the most successful deception
i only pray these words become more than sentiments lost in times of future's past present

its an interesting phase that im going through right now

perhaps the reason why we so strongly dislike letting go is because
to let go is to denounce its relevance in our lives
and to denounce its relevance is to admit its insignificance
what does that mean than?
that nothing mattered?
how foolish we are
that because it once mattered
it has to continue to matter
or that because it shouldn't matter now
that it never mattered
if only life were as simple as a choice between zero and one
and humanity and all its workings
quantifiable as one option or another
but perhaps our greatest curse
is to live with the ambiguity of lying to ourselves about the absolutes of humanity and all its workings
at least for me thats what it feels like sometimes
but one cant compute everything
and one cant make sense of everything
and thats just how it is

The Screen - i

Even though we didn't know each other for the longest time
She was familiar
She felt like home
Maybe it's a tck thing
Maybe it's a late night supper thing
Maybe it's in the way we see our lives thing
A million places thing
Maybe it's a many houses no one home thing
Maybe it's a many faces no one race thing
Maybe it's a wandering thing
A joy developed over a loss of control because we had no choice thing
Maybe it's a temporary stay thing
But it's a forever thing

To all the bus rides that felt like an adventure
because we learned every journey meant a new chapter
To all the pensive moment staring by the river
we never shared together but somehow alone we experienced similar
To all the countries I never visited that you visited
That you never visited that I visited
From all the different people that share the same faces
different realities, same reality check
different places, same luggage tag
I've found a friend in you
A family in you
A fellow sojourner in you
And though we stand alone traversing into the next chapter
We stand alone as a multitude
A single many
And that's how i know
It's a forever thing
A narrative we didn't start
A narrative we can't end
So i'll see you later
Even if it's after a while, my friend

(And it wasn't really something we ever spoke about
We just lived our lives as it were
But somehow it always felt like forever
Maybe we didn't have to talk about it because we knew
There was no need for an explanation
We just knew.)

11.3.17

---
For Robbie, Robertha, The coolest fast food junkie stadium chilling supper buddy.

Teenage Angst

The smell of rain
The great music taste
The zephyr that carries
The steady downfall of rain
The emotional drunkenness of a youth
Makes for a great beginning

--------

from 2015.

Realizations

Not a poem

Here i am trying to find beauty in the angst
Revelation in the confusion
Amusement in the frustration
And i realize this is why people run
they run as fast as the adrenaline rises in their heart carry their feet
they run to make shift island of smoke and rivers of alcohol so they don't think

because when you think, you realize

and when you realize, you feel

and on the other side of your teenage meltdown
there's only pain

heartbreak and pain and dirty shoelaces
heartbreak and pain and tear stained pillow cases
heartbreak and pain and unwritten confessions

in my attempt to transcend my own emotions
i try to fit the frames of my life through the lens of a coming of age film
where you laugh and you laugh even when there's no reason to

But you laugh because the wind is in your hair
the sun is licking your cheeks
and you're bigger than whatever it is that's buried in your mind

you're bigger than anyone that tries to take hold of your emotions

because to laugh
is to make little of what wants to be felt

to laugh
is to push aside the pounding in your chest

to laugh is to keep silent the voices in your head

and i laugh.

i laugh until i realize
i can only choose between two extremities

to transcend and laugh at everything
be mesmerized by a visage i so carefully paint
There is no feeling, only wonder
amazement and wonder

or i could cry
and just be overwhelmed by the drowning of my own overthinking
my own faults
my own emotions

i could admit to myself
that im not in control
i could admit
that ive lost the reigns to my mind
and it has me on a choke hold

the yellow book - i

you're trying to find
in the recesses of your mind
if any imaginary form of creative production
would bring about a satisfactory outcome

and you let that dictate how you feel.

you play it out in your head
even though you don't know the backstory
you play it out in your head
and when it stops becoming
do you stop feeling?

The question for me will always be
between the chances to take
and the chances to forget.

23.2.17.