university rant .1

here i am
wiping the tears before they fall
can it really be
can university life just not be for me
am i a wimp for wanting to drop out
or for not dropping out to pursue something else
i don't know
i don't know
i have no fucking clue
i dont fucking know
all i know is that
i go day in day out
stoned face
i can't absorb freaking anything
I'm sitting in front of my computer
and every article
story
message
is pointing me to leave
but i don't know
if that would be rash
like everything else I've done
and then i remembered
i never regretted any rash decision i made
and now I'm crying
but i don't know
what if this is just a means for escapism
maybe I'm not mature enough?
BUT HOW CAN THIS BE
everyone my age is in university
how come they can do it but i can't
how can i disappoint everyone
my family members
my traditional grandparents
what are they gonna say
sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave
and i swear
i just might do that
i don't even think i'll die or anything
but surely there are better choices to be made
before cutting ties with everyone that i love and know
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO
i don't know man
do i really have to go through university
sometimes i think
its just me
im crazy
I'm just being immature
that university will be good for me
but i just
i lack the motivation
the desire
the passion
when it comes to academics
you can ask my friends
at least from high school onwards
no matter how lazy i was
i would make sure
i did what i had to do
to do well
i always did well
it was in my blood to strive
but here i am
i don't even fucking care anymore
i just want to pass for the sake of my group mates
my parent's money
for the sake of just passing
but other than that
if this
this journey of life
university.
wasn't a journey that took into account everyone else
i would have left
but its not so simple
its a lone journey mentally
but in reality
there are too many players narrating the story
and i need to breathe
but each time i try to grasp for air
they shove me back down into the water
and i don't understand why
i can't just discover life on my own
why must i take into account everyone's feelings
its not like I'm hurting them
i just need to find myself for a bit
but at the same time
who am i to make such boisterous claims
i still rely on them financially
but honestly
if they'd allow me
id go
i won't rely on anyone
i'll take holiday jobs
and just go
cuz i can't anymore
i just can't
but when i silence my mind
and try to find the voice of reason
and fail to
or succeed, sometimes
it tells me to stay
to be patient
to suffer
it builds character.
i agree with long suffering
but the only problem in this case is
i don't see the end to my suffering
i don't see the goal I'm trying to achieve that would require that suffering
oh wait
i see it
but it doesn't belong to me
it is not my vision
my aspiration
my dream
but than
what is?
i don't even know anymore
---------------------------------
what if this is all just a pity party for one