i worry for the future of Singapore
everyone
blind.
self righteous
blind
too spoilt to see beyond their wants
blind
blind
blind
everyone
blind

history was made

my exam is today
9am today
i have 3 chapters left
but i thought this warrants at least a mention

you probably know what I'm talking about
if you don't
you're reading from the future
but the date this is written in will tell you much

anyways
this is a sensitive topic
and i don't have time
just that id like to say

don't be swayed
its the end times
expect only the worst
but don't conform to it

they're like sheep
lost, without its Shepard
impressionable, they absorb everything from right to wrong
good hearted, striving to be accepting and kind
but naive, under wrong circumstances imparted by wolves in sheep's clothing
they do not learn how to think
they learn what to think
they are fools
thinking that this was all them
but its not
it never was

pray.
that is the least you can do.
---------------------------------

humility is admirable
walk in humility
self righteousness and pride will tear you down
as it is doing to the remnants of a once great nation

they look so happy but they don't know what is coming
they don't have a single clue

what if overcoming mediocrity is no mundane feat

i spoke too soon
today's message
was directed
right
at
me.

the unwritten precepts.
would you go above and beyond
the black and white
the written laws
the bare minimum
requirement

do you want to live this mundane life?
no.
obviously not.
made it pretty clear just the night before.
well its 2:13 am so i guess (the night before last night, and yesterday's message)

the problem is honey
i don't know
what
I'm supposed to do

i don't know
if God wants me
to finish uni
because to me
this is mundane shit
but being me
i can't tolerate mundaneness
thus
overcoming a mediocre process
is no mundane feat for me
its an oxymoron
but not paradoxical

living mundanely
is so horrifyingly terrifying
living it
would not be
a mediocre feat
understand?

did i just answer my own question.
or am i just confused.

what i want to do
i don't know
drop out of uni maybe
pursue the great unknown
go out there
and
travel
live
help
impact
change
lives
literally
tangibly
now.

when you feel like
you're living
within a certain time frame
your perception really changes

if the rapture really does take place by Sep 2017
and i make it
i don't want to waste my time
studying
i want to go out there

but then i realised
how unprepared i am
i know nothing

maybe I'm just a wuss
a wimp
a fucking sloth

and all of these
are just excuses
to not study

but
why
study
this way

a dear friend of mine told me
if nothing else
you get discipline from this

i agree completely
but at the same time

is there no other manner in which i can be disciplined?
must so much effort be invested into a dead end
alas,
i do not know that it is a dead end.
and if it disciplines me
it is not entirely without meaning

such cruelty
lie in the pathological liar
whose blind was removed
she finally sees
but her heart remains unturned.
(what am i even trying to say?????^ 2017 edit) ----------------------------------------------

thats how i feel right now
I've talked my way into understanding my own blinded perceptions
my justifications are deemed invalid by no one but myself
and i am faced with the option
the correct option
that i have rejected
only this time
i am aware that i reject what is good.

at least, i saw a shooting star today:)
it was really pretty.. a lot of wack has been going on in the sky lately
think this is the second shooting star i saw this year
wonder what they represent

staring into space
so the tears won't fall

staring into space
so my mind remains blank

staring into space
playing dead

10:47

God

is this my test
to live mundane
to slave towards a goal i do not see
a future i do not want

i don't know if i can do this.

10:44

I'm going crazy trying to block out the thoughts in my head
I'm singing along to lyrics
trying to keep ahead
trying to block it all out
saying other things
typing this
looking at tattoos
looking at pictures
going on tumblr
pinterest
oh look this is so pretty.
anything
i want that
anything
this is really good
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
no
im not going to cry
im not going to cry
i like this song
i like this song
i really like this song
breathe
ok
ur ok
something will happen
intervention
maybe
or maybe
this is it
is this it
is this it
is this it
am i suppose to be ok with it
no this is not a rhetorical question
am i failing
at this
life
is this really
it
is this
shit
the funeral is playing
should i change?
i don't know if listening to sad songs is a good idea
i like this song
though


i like this song

i stopped for too long

should i continue

i shouldn't
i can't cry
this is stupid

is this it
am i suppose to make something out of this
is this the rut

because i don't want it
i want out
i want out

i want out.

can i leave
can i go some place else
can i do anything else
can i be anywhere else
please.

i want out


but
I'm here.

19.6.15

its 10:16AM and i finally woke up earlier today only to end up on tumblr lol
home doesn't feel as much as how home use to feel
because the people that made it my home
were no longer there
the places were the same
the places induced certain reactions
but at the same time
with time
those places
become
blocked out
i become jaded
used to seeing the same things
its like in consumer behaviour
perception adjustment
i no longer see it
not for what is was at least
our playground
because no one was there
everyone moves on
everyone leaves
some earlier
some later
and thats life
eventually
to cope
you will have to learn
to  make your own skin
bones
mind
your home
and that's how it should be
thats what i think anyways.
until i leave this earth at least.
------------------------------------------------
lol sorry if i keep getting sidetrack with these random free prose that I'm not sure are poetry.. idk. its more like a journal entry to me, but i seem to type like this. hahaha. oh well.. im on tumblr.. AGAIN. and i came across something i reblogged from long ago

“ It’s funny, when I think about this exact time last year. Things were so different. I never would have thought that things could change so much in only a year. I wonder what next February will be like. ”

its June, i don't really remember how last June was like, i was probably already in Singapore, probably already moved back i don't know.. but i was thinking back to when i reblogged this, back to when i made the move back, the move i was forced to make, the move i wasn't expecting, and realising that I've become one of 'those people' the ones that leave before graduation, the ones that left early. we all thought i would have stayed to the end, so did i. it was such an unexpected move. Well, such is life, hopefully i'll understand the reason behind this one day. It was pretty depressing for a bit, but all is well now :)