what if overcoming mediocrity is no mundane feat

i spoke too soon
today's message
was directed
right
at
me.

the unwritten precepts.
would you go above and beyond
the black and white
the written laws
the bare minimum
requirement

do you want to live this mundane life?
no.
obviously not.
made it pretty clear just the night before.
well its 2:13 am so i guess (the night before last night, and yesterday's message)

the problem is honey
i don't know
what
I'm supposed to do

i don't know
if God wants me
to finish uni
because to me
this is mundane shit
but being me
i can't tolerate mundaneness
thus
overcoming a mediocre process
is no mundane feat for me
its an oxymoron
but not paradoxical

living mundanely
is so horrifyingly terrifying
living it
would not be
a mediocre feat
understand?

did i just answer my own question.
or am i just confused.

what i want to do
i don't know
drop out of uni maybe
pursue the great unknown
go out there
and
travel
live
help
impact
change
lives
literally
tangibly
now.

when you feel like
you're living
within a certain time frame
your perception really changes

if the rapture really does take place by Sep 2017
and i make it
i don't want to waste my time
studying
i want to go out there

but then i realised
how unprepared i am
i know nothing

maybe I'm just a wuss
a wimp
a fucking sloth

and all of these
are just excuses
to not study

but
why
study
this way

a dear friend of mine told me
if nothing else
you get discipline from this

i agree completely
but at the same time

is there no other manner in which i can be disciplined?
must so much effort be invested into a dead end
alas,
i do not know that it is a dead end.
and if it disciplines me
it is not entirely without meaning

such cruelty
lie in the pathological liar
whose blind was removed
she finally sees
but her heart remains unturned.
(what am i even trying to say?????^ 2017 edit) ----------------------------------------------

thats how i feel right now
I've talked my way into understanding my own blinded perceptions
my justifications are deemed invalid by no one but myself
and i am faced with the option
the correct option
that i have rejected
only this time
i am aware that i reject what is good.

at least, i saw a shooting star today:)
it was really pretty.. a lot of wack has been going on in the sky lately
think this is the second shooting star i saw this year
wonder what they represent