i just sat there for a full minute saying fuck

(deleted)

i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore

the grey skies i know all too well

what do you do when you miss home
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...

home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of

its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite

i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions

sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.

when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along

but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know

i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore

13.9.15

sometimes
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know

Madame Voyaguer D. T. The first episode

she was walking down a dimly lit alleyway
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short



--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM

i became one those people that write melancholic shit for others

its been a while now
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind

-

x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead

and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have

------------------------------

x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not

-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16

The Light behind the door

there was a door
i went in
a darkly lit hallway
uncertainty ascending
stairs creaking
stepping on glass
a siren's song
luring bait
a dim room
a dark room
mirage to dust
shut doors
no light
once melody
crescendoing laughter
snarls i heard
growls i heard
shouts agonizing
stabs self induced
pulling
tugging
tearing at my skin
trapped
hell raised
locked room
no key

a light
not bright
peaking under the door
behind the door
locked room
no key
no exit
no

constant anticipation
of the demons that haunt me
a game that fed
my desolation
insanity driven
basking in the comforts
of the darkness that is my home
the screams
my lullaby
the tears
my mid night oil
the light
a constant reminder
the constant light
jaded
adjusted perceptions
what light
i don't remember

but He calmed my heart
and silenced the ghosts
prompted me to open the door

its locked i said
its locked and i can't get out
i want to but i can't
but i can't
i can't

retreating into the corner
roughed edges
bruised arms
i remembered the fleeting moment
my mind was quiet
my soul was sound

slowly i creeped
inching closer
crawling further
blind eyed
in the dark
His voice
my guide

shards of glass sinking in
but the lure was too deep
we'd have conversations
and sometimes
His voice would drown theirs out

patiently He waited
whether i listened to Him or not

louder they shrieked
harder they pulled
but in the confusion
i seek His voice
soft but strong
whispering into my ear
the wounds i hid
He ripped wide open
the pain of yesterday
relieved again
gently He tended
to the wounds as i teared
slowly but surely
He filled my heart
with promises and purpose
with wisdom and meaning

and now i sit
back against the door
behind i know
there is a great light
i'll stay and fix
the broken flashlight if there is one
if not
i'll make one from the spare pieces
of my enemies weaknesses
i'll emanate that great light
it'll dissipate across the room
He'll tell me what to do
He'll give me the directions

but for now i'll collect the spare pieces
come face to face with my demons
i'll tremble in my shoes
and cry in my sleep
but each time i'll remember
the purpose propelling me
and i'll remember to show my wounds
so He can tend them daily
we'll have late night conversations
He'll give me rest then
wipe my tears
tuck me in
and envelop me
with a hug
goodnight kisses
i'll sleep soundly because i know
the wolves are close
but he stands guard
he stands closer

no longer does this peace elude me
no longer do i fear the dark.

--------------------------------------------

this was inspired from i guess yesterday's sermon since its 2:40am lol
have you ever
been so at peace
and happy
that you feel like crying?

cuz
in that moment
in the chaos
in the desolation
in the confusion
darkness
storm
emptiness

you found peace
hope
direction
light
character
meaning

or it found you
but you
you chose to accept it
you allowed it to touch you
walked out of the dark room
felt the sunlight warm your heart
it was there all along
everything
the thorns
but also the roses
but you know what makes it so beautiful
and wonderfully amazing
pricking your fingers
to get to the rose
choosing to be happy
when everything turns against you
and its so beautiful because
its absurd
so stupid
so pointless
so insane
unthinkable
but then you did it
and you're just like
wtf
but you're happy
but it doesn't make sense
it shouldn't
but it does
and thats just pretty amazing
accomplishing an impossible feat like that
choosing to dwell in the peace
against all logical notion of uncertainty that awaits


thank you
crying because it couldn't be done
crying because it was done

obviously its a daily thing
and i'll have to go through it all over again
but it was nice while it lasted
and nice knowing
it could be done