sometimes the most beautiful thing one can be is alone.
when you take a misstep and the world falls away
youre lying on the kitchen floor
in a puddle of your own thoughts running a hundred miles an hour
and your insecurities, your fears, your darkest secrets and thoughts
theyre leaking out of your pores into the partitions of the tiled floors
every breath you take
a gasp for a life you regret
a chance you wish you didnt take
didnt know regret worked backwards as well
didnt know id hurt me like i would
and you pray that stillness finds you
but sometimes it doesnt
sometimes its a torrent of your own specially curated hell running lose in your mind
and youre screaming at your God youre screaming at yourself
youre screaming at the dreams you took a chance on
but no one hears a thing
because no one will ever hear the violent silence that carry you through your dark nights,
darker mornings still, you didnt want to wake up to
no one knows the brilliance in your smile carrying
your heavy lungs
no one knows the resonance in your laughter
masking the reverb of your tissues tearing apart
and thats okay
the night draws out
as the night calms
the wolves sleep
and the howls cease
your jaws begin to ache as your heart silences
the aftermath of a drunken stupor
resting your restless body
and your heart
your dear heart
collapsing in and of itself
still beating
and your mind, now a dull hum.
youve found solace in the inanimate embrace of these wooden corners
your tears no longer threaten to spill over
at least not for a few moments
its an ungodly hour for reasons beyond the early am.
and you see yourself
and you remember-
that no one has to know the chaos
no one has to see the ugly or understand the pain
because the soul has found a host
in a body not separate from her bones
and no amount of perplexity
loath
confusion
heart ache and drawn out nights can tear you apart from what was ordained in creation
there is a place
you can call home
alone.
PS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_72RkQV25Y (Arcade Fire - Song on the Beach followed by Photograph)
To me, and my God, thank you.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
The Screen - ii
It’s happening again
I feel it in my bones
In the stillness of the air
The shiver up my spine as the wind curls around the nape of my neck
The zephyr calm but beckoning
The words forming but never spoken
She looks as though she’s a million miles away
But really she’s all present
Next to you
Beside herself
It’s a moment she writes down
Though she doesn’t know why
And just as silently as it comes it goes
Leaving the writer wondering why
Why
21.10.17/11.9.18
I feel it in my bones
In the stillness of the air
The shiver up my spine as the wind curls around the nape of my neck
The zephyr calm but beckoning
The words forming but never spoken
She looks as though she’s a million miles away
But really she’s all present
Next to you
Beside herself
It’s a moment she writes down
Though she doesn’t know why
And just as silently as it comes it goes
Leaving the writer wondering why
Why
21.10.17/11.9.18
Monday, May 7, 2018
Chapter 1: 07.05.18.
And as i wipe my eyes
catching the tears that collect before they tip over ever so slightly,
I don't literally close the book
though the chapter ends.
It lays open
on my lap
The words of a stranger
ring familiar in my ears.
The breeze slowly filling what space it finds
between the fabric of my clothes and skin
my hair now unconfined wisps
unfurling in the wind
My lips slightly parted
A meditation of heavenly tongues fills the chamber of my mouth
as new life breathe into my lungs.
There, next to me, on the bench
silent.
gaze steady in a far off distance.
An older gentlemen sits
he doesn't utter a word
he doesn't stir
he was the personification of a rock, almost
i found him comforting.
What stories may tell hidden in the creases of his eyes
And i wonder if we are one and the same
as i close mine.
The sun warm on my skin
light on my eyelids
i count to a hundred
memories flood.
1
2
5
of the boy who cared
and stopped
10
of the words that are not mine
but Are
20
This stranger's narrative
what is says about mine.
40
life
life and all of its mysteries
70
all of my questions and uncertainties melting away as i accept
98
this peace that does not make sense
100
My eyes open to the time on my phone signalling my departure
i do not utter a word.
though my heart is gratified with the presence of this stranger amidst the loneliness i feel among more familiar faces - old and new alike.
and i see you
You're here
and i know
i'll be ok
as i walk
and continue to walk
into this fresh
yet familiar uncertainty.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
5.4.18
Everything feels like a dream
These distant memories they can't even haunt me right because i barely remember
But they come to me in shudders
in waves
in whispers
in song
The stares of different admirers and I can barely see your face
I can barely remember what ensued
only the sentiments that followed
the imprints of my thoughts on a memory
The ones i thought would live on forever,
now foggy.
And even the words themselves
they're barely hanging on
The feelings themslves
they have dissipated into the ground beneath my feet.
But it's like my heart remembers even if my mind doesn't.
And it hurts inside
even if i don't remember why.
I don't even know if I miss you
Or what i thought we had
or what i thought we could have had
or what we didn't have.
These distant memories they can't even haunt me right because i barely remember
But they come to me in shudders
in waves
in whispers
in song
The stares of different admirers and I can barely see your face
I can barely remember what ensued
only the sentiments that followed
the imprints of my thoughts on a memory
The ones i thought would live on forever,
now foggy.
And even the words themselves
they're barely hanging on
The feelings themslves
they have dissipated into the ground beneath my feet.
But it's like my heart remembers even if my mind doesn't.
And it hurts inside
even if i don't remember why.
I don't even know if I miss you
Or what i thought we had
or what i thought we could have had
or what we didn't have.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
2.12.17
We don't like to admit it
But at least for me, I've come to realize
People are expandable
Some are harder to replace
But most - a lot easier to let go of then we believe so
Doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or less impactful or deep
Seasons come and seasons go
Just like people and the relationships they shared with you
Sometimes we get to revisit certain memories with new faces
Or venture into new territories with familiar souls
Either ways
No point holding on to something that's ran its course until it's time for its return
Or maybe some things or some people don't get a revisit
And that's ok
That's why
No matter how beautiful or tragic a moment is, it's significance betrays you with the passage of time
Everything moves on
Life itself
Time itself
There's no point holding on to anything
anything at all
Anything worth keeping needs renewing
Anything worth remembering deserves to be remembered the way it was
untainted without you holding on too dearly to it
-
And soon all these people and all these relationships of 2017
I wonder how relevant they'll be 12 months from now
How much would we have allowed ourselves to grow by letting go of what was
what should have been and what could have been
What should continue being and what must be
Because though some choices are up to us to make
we tend to prioritize familiarity over risk
And i don't want to live in a nostalgia of a future that should be
trapped in the present moment of all i aspire for myself
instead of living
letting go
and discovering
instead, being stuck in a loop of rediscovery upon rediscovery
upon rediscovery.
it gets sickening after a while
to lead yourself into thinking you're growing
when you've only grown as much as you have fallen behind.
What kind of a life is that
hypocrisy is the most successful deception
i only pray these words become more than sentiments lost in times of future's past present
But at least for me, I've come to realize
People are expandable
Some are harder to replace
But most - a lot easier to let go of then we believe so
Doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or less impactful or deep
Seasons come and seasons go
Just like people and the relationships they shared with you
Sometimes we get to revisit certain memories with new faces
Or venture into new territories with familiar souls
Either ways
No point holding on to something that's ran its course until it's time for its return
Or maybe some things or some people don't get a revisit
And that's ok
That's why
No matter how beautiful or tragic a moment is, it's significance betrays you with the passage of time
Everything moves on
Life itself
Time itself
There's no point holding on to anything
anything at all
Anything worth keeping needs renewing
Anything worth remembering deserves to be remembered the way it was
untainted without you holding on too dearly to it
-
And soon all these people and all these relationships of 2017
I wonder how relevant they'll be 12 months from now
How much would we have allowed ourselves to grow by letting go of what was
what should have been and what could have been
What should continue being and what must be
Because though some choices are up to us to make
we tend to prioritize familiarity over risk
And i don't want to live in a nostalgia of a future that should be
trapped in the present moment of all i aspire for myself
instead of living
letting go
and discovering
instead, being stuck in a loop of rediscovery upon rediscovery
upon rediscovery.
it gets sickening after a while
to lead yourself into thinking you're growing
when you've only grown as much as you have fallen behind.
What kind of a life is that
hypocrisy is the most successful deception
i only pray these words become more than sentiments lost in times of future's past present
its an interesting phase that im going through right now
perhaps the reason why we so strongly dislike letting go is because
to let go is to denounce its relevance in our lives
and to denounce its relevance is to admit its insignificance
what does that mean than?
that nothing mattered?
how foolish we are
that because it once mattered
it has to continue to matter
or that because it shouldn't matter now
that it never mattered
if only life were as simple as a choice between zero and one
and humanity and all its workings
quantifiable as one option or another
but perhaps our greatest curse
is to live with the ambiguity of lying to ourselves about the absolutes of humanity and all its workings
at least for me thats what it feels like sometimes
but one cant compute everything
and one cant make sense of everything
and thats just how it is
to let go is to denounce its relevance in our lives
and to denounce its relevance is to admit its insignificance
what does that mean than?
that nothing mattered?
how foolish we are
that because it once mattered
it has to continue to matter
or that because it shouldn't matter now
that it never mattered
if only life were as simple as a choice between zero and one
and humanity and all its workings
quantifiable as one option or another
but perhaps our greatest curse
is to live with the ambiguity of lying to ourselves about the absolutes of humanity and all its workings
at least for me thats what it feels like sometimes
but one cant compute everything
and one cant make sense of everything
and thats just how it is
Sunday, August 27, 2017
The Screen - i
Even though we didn't know each other for the longest time
She was familiar
She felt like home
Maybe it's a tck thing
Maybe it's a late night supper thing
Maybe it's in the way we see our lives thing
A million places thing
Maybe it's a many houses no one home thing
Maybe it's a many faces no one race thing
Maybe it's a wandering thing
A joy developed over a loss of control because we had no choice thing
Maybe it's a temporary stay thing
But it's a forever thing
To all the bus rides that felt like an adventure
because we learned every journey meant a new chapter
To all the pensive moment staring by the river
we never shared together but somehow alone we experienced similar
To all the countries I never visited that you visited
That you never visited that I visited
From all the different people that share the same faces
different realities, same reality check
different places, same luggage tag
I've found a friend in you
A family in you
A fellow sojourner in you
And though we stand alone traversing into the next chapter
We stand alone as a multitude
A single many
And that's how i know
It's a forever thing
A narrative we didn't start
A narrative we can't end
So i'll see you later
Even if it's after a while, my friend
(And it wasn't really something we ever spoke about
We just lived our lives as it were
But somehow it always felt like forever
Maybe we didn't have to talk about it because we knew
There was no need for an explanation
We just knew.)
11.3.17
---
For Robbie, Robertha, The coolest fast food junkie stadium chilling supper buddy.
She was familiar
She felt like home
Maybe it's a tck thing
Maybe it's a late night supper thing
Maybe it's in the way we see our lives thing
A million places thing
Maybe it's a many houses no one home thing
Maybe it's a many faces no one race thing
Maybe it's a wandering thing
A joy developed over a loss of control because we had no choice thing
Maybe it's a temporary stay thing
But it's a forever thing
To all the bus rides that felt like an adventure
because we learned every journey meant a new chapter
To all the pensive moment staring by the river
we never shared together but somehow alone we experienced similar
To all the countries I never visited that you visited
That you never visited that I visited
From all the different people that share the same faces
different realities, same reality check
different places, same luggage tag
I've found a friend in you
A family in you
A fellow sojourner in you
And though we stand alone traversing into the next chapter
We stand alone as a multitude
A single many
And that's how i know
It's a forever thing
A narrative we didn't start
A narrative we can't end
So i'll see you later
Even if it's after a while, my friend
(And it wasn't really something we ever spoke about
We just lived our lives as it were
But somehow it always felt like forever
Maybe we didn't have to talk about it because we knew
There was no need for an explanation
We just knew.)
11.3.17
---
For Robbie, Robertha, The coolest fast food junkie stadium chilling supper buddy.
Friday, August 18, 2017
Teenage Angst
The smell of rain
The great music taste
The zephyr that carries
The steady downfall of rain
The emotional drunkenness of a youth
Makes for a great beginning
--------
from 2015.
The great music taste
The zephyr that carries
The steady downfall of rain
The emotional drunkenness of a youth
Makes for a great beginning
--------
from 2015.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Realizations
Not a poem
Here i am trying to find beauty in the angst
Revelation in the confusion
Amusement in the frustration
And i realize this is why people run
they run as fast as the adrenaline rises in their heart carry their feet
they run to make shift island of smoke and rivers of alcohol so they don't think
because when you think, you realize
and when you realize, you feel
and on the other side of your teenage meltdown
there's only pain
heartbreak and pain and dirty shoelaces
heartbreak and pain and tear stained pillow cases
heartbreak and pain and unwritten confessions
in my attempt to transcend my own emotions
i try to fit the frames of my life through the lens of a coming of age film
where you laugh and you laugh even when there's no reason to
But you laugh because the wind is in your hair
the sun is licking your cheeks
and you're bigger than whatever it is that's buried in your mind
you're bigger than anyone that tries to take hold of your emotions
because to laugh
is to make little of what wants to be felt
to laugh
is to push aside the pounding in your chest
to laugh is to keep silent the voices in your head
and i laugh.
i laugh until i realize
i can only choose between two extremities
to transcend and laugh at everything
be mesmerized by a visage i so carefully paint
There is no feeling, only wonder
amazement and wonder
or i could cry
and just be overwhelmed by the drowning of my own overthinking
my own faults
my own emotions
i could admit to myself
that im not in control
i could admit
that ive lost the reigns to my mind
and it has me on a choke hold
Here i am trying to find beauty in the angst
Revelation in the confusion
Amusement in the frustration
And i realize this is why people run
they run as fast as the adrenaline rises in their heart carry their feet
they run to make shift island of smoke and rivers of alcohol so they don't think
because when you think, you realize
and when you realize, you feel
and on the other side of your teenage meltdown
there's only pain
heartbreak and pain and dirty shoelaces
heartbreak and pain and tear stained pillow cases
heartbreak and pain and unwritten confessions
in my attempt to transcend my own emotions
i try to fit the frames of my life through the lens of a coming of age film
where you laugh and you laugh even when there's no reason to
But you laugh because the wind is in your hair
the sun is licking your cheeks
and you're bigger than whatever it is that's buried in your mind
you're bigger than anyone that tries to take hold of your emotions
because to laugh
is to make little of what wants to be felt
to laugh
is to push aside the pounding in your chest
to laugh is to keep silent the voices in your head
and i laugh.
i laugh until i realize
i can only choose between two extremities
to transcend and laugh at everything
be mesmerized by a visage i so carefully paint
There is no feeling, only wonder
amazement and wonder
or i could cry
and just be overwhelmed by the drowning of my own overthinking
my own faults
my own emotions
i could admit to myself
that im not in control
i could admit
that ive lost the reigns to my mind
and it has me on a choke hold
Sunday, March 5, 2017
the yellow book - i
you're trying to find
in the recesses of your mind
if any imaginary form of creative production
would bring about a satisfactory outcome
and you let that dictate how you feel.
you play it out in your head
even though you don't know the backstory
you play it out in your head
and when it stops becoming
do you stop feeling?
The question for me will always be
between the chances to take
and the chances to forget.
23.2.17.
in the recesses of your mind
if any imaginary form of creative production
would bring about a satisfactory outcome
and you let that dictate how you feel.
you play it out in your head
even though you don't know the backstory
you play it out in your head
and when it stops becoming
do you stop feeling?
The question for me will always be
between the chances to take
and the chances to forget.
23.2.17.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Pages of the Green Book - i
-stay up early enough and you just might realize that you are mad-
i am not her
but not yet fully Yours
i'm an in-between
i'm a nothing.
Like a zephyr
I do not possess the might of strong winds
or the beauty in stillness
I'm a wind that (has) lost its strength
A quiet that is broken
A restless that does not belong.
25/10/16
i am not her
but not yet fully Yours
i'm an in-between
i'm a nothing.
Like a zephyr
I do not possess the might of strong winds
or the beauty in stillness
I'm a wind that (has) lost its strength
A quiet that is broken
A restless that does not belong.
25/10/16
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
new tears, obviously (happy new year everybody)
At least it's still me
So horribly morbid
So exhilaratingly thrilling
So high on this life
I was born a poet
Laughter chose to plant its seeds within me
Tears chose to well from the damnest of my depths
Arguably,
I did not choose to be like this
But I'll take it
How terribly frightful it is to be anything but
A breath of fresh relief
A gripe to one's sanity
I don't need to trip on acid daisies
All I need is a trip down my own sane mind
To set me a going
Where to?
I don't hardly know
Someplace nice this time I hope.
---
New pen, new year, new problems
i sincerely wish you a happy new year, no matter how crappy it may have started <3
So horribly morbid
So exhilaratingly thrilling
So high on this life
I was born a poet
Laughter chose to plant its seeds within me
Tears chose to well from the damnest of my depths
Arguably,
I did not choose to be like this
But I'll take it
How terribly frightful it is to be anything but
A breath of fresh relief
A gripe to one's sanity
I don't need to trip on acid daisies
All I need is a trip down my own sane mind
To set me a going
Where to?
I don't hardly know
Someplace nice this time I hope.
---
New pen, new year, new problems
i sincerely wish you a happy new year, no matter how crappy it may have started <3
Friday, December 23, 2016
Questions for the Road Traveller
Do people think of anything when they stare out of these windows?
Or do they just stare blankly?
Their minds lost
In the vastness of the space in front of them
The membrane of the empty crevices of their mind
Pouring out
Seeping into every detailed confinement
The space between the branches
The atmosphere above the calm waters
Their eyes giving way to something beyond their own reflection
A familiar face
Replaced by one long forgotten
Does the road that stretch ahead
Remind them of a past they had to leave behind
Or promise them of a future yet to come
Does the rapid blur of color and motion
Turn into white noise
A distracting constant
Attempting to block out
The feelings that reveal themselves
When there is nothing else to busy the mind with
Do they try to fight back tears of a dear memory turned bitter with time
Or do they delude themselves into appreciating the beauty
That lies with each passing turn
When in reality
It is our of reach
Behind a glass window
Distancing away with the coming second
Something tangible and yet not
A beauty no one can comprehend
One looks
But what else is there to that
Than to look?
And to pretend to feel what you don't feel anymore
Fighting back the familiar feelings that have turned against you
Pretending that this is home
When you have traded keys a long time ago.
- from yesterday
Or do they just stare blankly?
Their minds lost
In the vastness of the space in front of them
The membrane of the empty crevices of their mind
Pouring out
Seeping into every detailed confinement
The space between the branches
The atmosphere above the calm waters
Their eyes giving way to something beyond their own reflection
A familiar face
Replaced by one long forgotten
Does the road that stretch ahead
Remind them of a past they had to leave behind
Or promise them of a future yet to come
Does the rapid blur of color and motion
Turn into white noise
A distracting constant
Attempting to block out
The feelings that reveal themselves
When there is nothing else to busy the mind with
Do they try to fight back tears of a dear memory turned bitter with time
Or do they delude themselves into appreciating the beauty
That lies with each passing turn
When in reality
It is our of reach
Behind a glass window
Distancing away with the coming second
Something tangible and yet not
A beauty no one can comprehend
One looks
But what else is there to that
Than to look?
And to pretend to feel what you don't feel anymore
Fighting back the familiar feelings that have turned against you
Pretending that this is home
When you have traded keys a long time ago.
- from yesterday
Monday, September 26, 2016
boring update
its been so long ive forgotten that this exists
lol till my friend told me she stumbled upon this and i kinda freaked hahahaha
hi..if youre reading this
--
realizing
in front of me
a blank page
i have no inspiration to fill
they say poems are best written
when one is depressed
must be a good thing then
that for once
there is not much to be said
other then that im ok
and im happy
and maybe i just need to acknowledge that every once in a while
maybe when im down again
ill scroll past this and remember
i got through it once before
and as mediocre as it sounds
life is not all that bad
when you allow yourself to move on
its almost 2017
barely wrote anything for this year
makes you wonder
if the pain was too much to be shared
or the absence of it
explains my absence from here
huh
to my nonexistent audience
a terriblly
boring
free prose
for you
you know why
because the best ones are not written
but are lived
so take them as they come
the days you leave your rain jacket home
for a baseball cap and a pair of sunnies instead
they do come by
you just cant keep your head down all the time
and miss them when they make themselves present
or maybe you're scared
you haven't smiled in a while
and you forgot how
just leave that metaphorical house of depression of yours
and be awkward for a while
better awkward than sad <3
but hey
like the day that comes and go
if you missed it, dont beat yourself up
and wait for it
just wait for it to come round again :)
-
and though you dont believe it
the universe is too big for you to ever be alone
and if you still dont believe it
its ok
whether you're christian, atheist, buddhist, muslim, agnostic etc. whether you're just another kid down the block, or you're on your deathbed and anyone in between, whether you have made some terrible mistakes (criminal or not), or having an existential crisis etc, no hate.
im here for you
and im praying for you <3
lol till my friend told me she stumbled upon this and i kinda freaked hahahaha
hi..if youre reading this
--
realizing
in front of me
a blank page
i have no inspiration to fill
they say poems are best written
when one is depressed
must be a good thing then
that for once
there is not much to be said
other then that im ok
and im happy
and maybe i just need to acknowledge that every once in a while
maybe when im down again
ill scroll past this and remember
i got through it once before
and as mediocre as it sounds
life is not all that bad
when you allow yourself to move on
its almost 2017
barely wrote anything for this year
makes you wonder
if the pain was too much to be shared
or the absence of it
explains my absence from here
huh
to my nonexistent audience
a terriblly
boring
free prose
for you
you know why
because the best ones are not written
but are lived
so take them as they come
the days you leave your rain jacket home
for a baseball cap and a pair of sunnies instead
they do come by
you just cant keep your head down all the time
and miss them when they make themselves present
or maybe you're scared
you haven't smiled in a while
and you forgot how
just leave that metaphorical house of depression of yours
and be awkward for a while
better awkward than sad <3
but hey
like the day that comes and go
if you missed it, dont beat yourself up
and wait for it
just wait for it to come round again :)
-
and though you dont believe it
the universe is too big for you to ever be alone
and if you still dont believe it
its ok
whether you're christian, atheist, buddhist, muslim, agnostic etc. whether you're just another kid down the block, or you're on your deathbed and anyone in between, whether you have made some terrible mistakes (criminal or not), or having an existential crisis etc, no hate.
im here for you
and im praying for you <3
Saturday, October 3, 2015
i just sat there for a full minute saying fuck
(deleted)
i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore
i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore
Thursday, October 1, 2015
the grey skies i know all too well
what do you do when you miss home
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...
home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...
home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of
Thursday, September 24, 2015
its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite
i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions
sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.
when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along
but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know
i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions
sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.
when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along
but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know
i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore
Saturday, September 12, 2015
13.9.15
sometimes
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Madame Voyaguer D. T. The first episode
she was walking down a dimly lit alleyway
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short
--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short
--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM
Monday, August 10, 2015
i became one those people that write melancholic shit for others
its been a while now
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind
-
x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead
and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have
------------------------------
x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not
-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind
-
x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead
and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have
------------------------------
x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not
-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16
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