its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite

i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions

sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.

when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along

but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know

i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore

13.9.15

sometimes
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know

Madame Voyaguer D. T. The first episode

she was walking down a dimly lit alleyway
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short



--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM

i became one those people that write melancholic shit for others

its been a while now
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind

-

x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead

and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have

------------------------------

x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not

-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16

The Light behind the door

there was a door
i went in
a darkly lit hallway
uncertainty ascending
stairs creaking
stepping on glass
a siren's song
luring bait
a dim room
a dark room
mirage to dust
shut doors
no light
once melody
crescendoing laughter
snarls i heard
growls i heard
shouts agonizing
stabs self induced
pulling
tugging
tearing at my skin
trapped
hell raised
locked room
no key

a light
not bright
peaking under the door
behind the door
locked room
no key
no exit
no

constant anticipation
of the demons that haunt me
a game that fed
my desolation
insanity driven
basking in the comforts
of the darkness that is my home
the screams
my lullaby
the tears
my mid night oil
the light
a constant reminder
the constant light
jaded
adjusted perceptions
what light
i don't remember

but He calmed my heart
and silenced the ghosts
prompted me to open the door

its locked i said
its locked and i can't get out
i want to but i can't
but i can't
i can't

retreating into the corner
roughed edges
bruised arms
i remembered the fleeting moment
my mind was quiet
my soul was sound

slowly i creeped
inching closer
crawling further
blind eyed
in the dark
His voice
my guide

shards of glass sinking in
but the lure was too deep
we'd have conversations
and sometimes
His voice would drown theirs out

patiently He waited
whether i listened to Him or not

louder they shrieked
harder they pulled
but in the confusion
i seek His voice
soft but strong
whispering into my ear
the wounds i hid
He ripped wide open
the pain of yesterday
relieved again
gently He tended
to the wounds as i teared
slowly but surely
He filled my heart
with promises and purpose
with wisdom and meaning

and now i sit
back against the door
behind i know
there is a great light
i'll stay and fix
the broken flashlight if there is one
if not
i'll make one from the spare pieces
of my enemies weaknesses
i'll emanate that great light
it'll dissipate across the room
He'll tell me what to do
He'll give me the directions

but for now i'll collect the spare pieces
come face to face with my demons
i'll tremble in my shoes
and cry in my sleep
but each time i'll remember
the purpose propelling me
and i'll remember to show my wounds
so He can tend them daily
we'll have late night conversations
He'll give me rest then
wipe my tears
tuck me in
and envelop me
with a hug
goodnight kisses
i'll sleep soundly because i know
the wolves are close
but he stands guard
he stands closer

no longer does this peace elude me
no longer do i fear the dark.

--------------------------------------------

this was inspired from i guess yesterday's sermon since its 2:40am lol
have you ever
been so at peace
and happy
that you feel like crying?

cuz
in that moment
in the chaos
in the desolation
in the confusion
darkness
storm
emptiness

you found peace
hope
direction
light
character
meaning

or it found you
but you
you chose to accept it
you allowed it to touch you
walked out of the dark room
felt the sunlight warm your heart
it was there all along
everything
the thorns
but also the roses
but you know what makes it so beautiful
and wonderfully amazing
pricking your fingers
to get to the rose
choosing to be happy
when everything turns against you
and its so beautiful because
its absurd
so stupid
so pointless
so insane
unthinkable
but then you did it
and you're just like
wtf
but you're happy
but it doesn't make sense
it shouldn't
but it does
and thats just pretty amazing
accomplishing an impossible feat like that
choosing to dwell in the peace
against all logical notion of uncertainty that awaits


thank you
crying because it couldn't be done
crying because it was done

obviously its a daily thing
and i'll have to go through it all over again
but it was nice while it lasted
and nice knowing
it could be done

university rant .1

here i am
wiping the tears before they fall
can it really be
can university life just not be for me
am i a wimp for wanting to drop out
or for not dropping out to pursue something else
i don't know
i don't know
i have no fucking clue
i dont fucking know
all i know is that
i go day in day out
stoned face
i can't absorb freaking anything
I'm sitting in front of my computer
and every article
story
message
is pointing me to leave
but i don't know
if that would be rash
like everything else I've done
and then i remembered
i never regretted any rash decision i made
and now I'm crying
but i don't know
what if this is just a means for escapism
maybe I'm not mature enough?
BUT HOW CAN THIS BE
everyone my age is in university
how come they can do it but i can't
how can i disappoint everyone
my family members
my traditional grandparents
what are they gonna say
sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave
and i swear
i just might do that
i don't even think i'll die or anything
but surely there are better choices to be made
before cutting ties with everyone that i love and know
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO
i don't know man
do i really have to go through university
sometimes i think
its just me
im crazy
I'm just being immature
that university will be good for me
but i just
i lack the motivation
the desire
the passion
when it comes to academics
you can ask my friends
at least from high school onwards
no matter how lazy i was
i would make sure
i did what i had to do
to do well
i always did well
it was in my blood to strive
but here i am
i don't even fucking care anymore
i just want to pass for the sake of my group mates
my parent's money
for the sake of just passing
but other than that
if this
this journey of life
university.
wasn't a journey that took into account everyone else
i would have left
but its not so simple
its a lone journey mentally
but in reality
there are too many players narrating the story
and i need to breathe
but each time i try to grasp for air
they shove me back down into the water
and i don't understand why
i can't just discover life on my own
why must i take into account everyone's feelings
its not like I'm hurting them
i just need to find myself for a bit
but at the same time
who am i to make such boisterous claims
i still rely on them financially
but honestly
if they'd allow me
id go
i won't rely on anyone
i'll take holiday jobs
and just go
cuz i can't anymore
i just can't
but when i silence my mind
and try to find the voice of reason
and fail to
or succeed, sometimes
it tells me to stay
to be patient
to suffer
it builds character.
i agree with long suffering
but the only problem in this case is
i don't see the end to my suffering
i don't see the goal I'm trying to achieve that would require that suffering
oh wait
i see it
but it doesn't belong to me
it is not my vision
my aspiration
my dream
but than
what is?
i don't even know anymore
---------------------------------
what if this is all just a pity party for one

there is no denying it

you know the end is near when you're not mad, just sad
when the faithful betray
when the strong fall
when the honest lie
skin shed
only to those who know
an outer layer unbeknownst to the ignorant
they follow blindly

you know the end is near when you cry for a nation
when your troubles are put on hold
as the burden of the world hangs on your shoulder
a lone prayer
a lone journey
a lone song
ignite

spark
season
sow
harvest

intercede
deny yourself
watch your back
watch your front
watch the demons
watch the angels
watch yourself
watch the reptilians
the masks
the skin

walk in unity
but stand alone

i've caught a glimpse of the cinders trailing behind the foot of angels
burned tips as their wings brushed against the devil's
they've chosen to enter the gates of hell

that is how you know the end is near

----------