alone

sometimes the most beautiful thing one can be is alone.
when you take a misstep and the world falls away
youre lying on the kitchen floor
in a puddle of your own thoughts running a hundred miles an hour
and your insecurities, your fears, your darkest secrets and thoughts
theyre leaking out of your pores into the partitions of the tiled floors
every breath you take
a gasp for a life you regret
a chance you wish you didnt take
didnt know regret worked backwards as well

didnt know id hurt me like i would
and you pray that stillness finds you
but sometimes it doesnt
sometimes its a torrent of your own specially curated hell running lose in your mind
and youre screaming at your God youre screaming at yourself
youre screaming at the dreams you took a chance on
but no one hears a thing
because no one will ever hear the violent silence that carry you through your dark nights,
darker mornings still, you didnt want to wake up to

no one knows the brilliance in your smile carrying
your heavy lungs
no one knows the resonance in your laughter
masking the reverb of your tissues tearing apart

and thats okay
the night draws out
as the night calms
the wolves sleep
and the howls cease
your jaws begin to ache as your heart silences
the aftermath of a drunken stupor
resting your restless body

and your heart
your dear heart
collapsing in and of itself
still beating
and your mind, now a dull hum.

youve found solace in the inanimate embrace of these wooden corners
your tears no longer threaten to spill over
at least not for a few moments
its an ungodly hour for reasons beyond the early am.
and you see yourself
and you remember-
that no one has to know the chaos
no one has to see the ugly or understand the pain
because the soul has found a host
in a body not separate from her bones

and no amount of perplexity
loath
confusion
heart ache and drawn out nights can tear you apart from what was ordained in creation

there is a place
you can call home
alone.

PS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_72RkQV25Y (Arcade Fire - Song on the Beach followed by Photograph)

To me, and my God, thank you.

The Screen - ii

It’s happening again
I feel it in my bones
In the stillness of the air
The shiver up my spine as the wind curls around the nape of my neck
The zephyr calm but beckoning
The words forming but never spoken
She looks as though she’s a million miles away
But really she’s all present
Next to you
Beside herself
It’s a moment she writes down
Though she doesn’t know why
And just as silently as it comes it goes
Leaving the writer wondering why
Why

21.10.17/11.9.18

Chapter 1: 07.05.18.

And as i wipe my eyes

catching the tears that collect before they tip over ever so slightly,

I don't literally close the book

though the chapter ends.

It lays open

on my lap

The words of a stranger

ring familiar in my ears.

The breeze slowly filling what space it finds

between the fabric of my clothes and skin

my hair now unconfined wisps 

unfurling in the wind

My lips slightly parted

A meditation of heavenly tongues fills the chamber of my mouth

as new life breathe into my lungs.

There, next to me, on the bench

silent.

gaze steady in a far off distance.

An older gentlemen sits

he doesn't utter a word

he doesn't stir

he was the personification of a rock, almost

i found him comforting.

What stories may tell hidden in the creases of his eyes

And i wonder if we are one and the same

as i close mine.

The sun warm on my skin

light on my eyelids

i count to a hundred

memories flood.

1

2

5

of the boy who cared

and stopped

10

of the words that are not mine

but Are

20

This stranger's narrative

what is says about mine.

40

life

life and all of its mysteries

70

all of my questions and uncertainties melting away as i accept

98

this peace that does not make sense

100

My eyes open to the time on my phone signalling my departure

i do not utter a word.

though my heart is gratified with the presence of this stranger amidst the loneliness i feel among more familiar faces - old and new alike.

and i see you

You're here

and i know

i'll be ok

as i walk

and continue to walk

into this fresh

yet familiar uncertainty. 

5.4.18

Everything feels like a dream
These distant memories they can't even haunt me right because i barely remember
But they come to me in shudders
in waves
in whispers
in song
The stares of different admirers and I can barely see your face
I can barely remember what ensued
only the sentiments that followed
the imprints of my thoughts on a memory
The ones i thought would live on forever,
now foggy.
And even the words themselves
they're barely hanging on
The feelings themslves
they have dissipated into the ground beneath my feet.
But it's like my heart remembers even if my mind doesn't.
And it hurts inside
even if i don't remember why.

I don't even know if I miss you
Or what i thought we had
or what i thought we could have had
or what we didn't have.

2.12.17

We don't like to admit it
But at least for me, I've come to realize
People are expandable
Some are harder to replace
But most - a lot easier to let go of then we believe so

Doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or less impactful or deep
Seasons come and seasons go
Just like people and the relationships they shared with you
Sometimes we get to revisit certain memories with new faces
Or venture into new territories with familiar souls
Either ways
No point holding on to something that's ran its course until it's time for its return
Or maybe some things or some people don't get a revisit
And that's ok
That's why
No matter how beautiful or tragic a moment is, it's significance betrays you with the passage of time
Everything moves on
Life itself
Time itself
There's no point holding on to anything
anything at all
Anything worth keeping needs renewing
Anything worth remembering deserves to be remembered the way it was
untainted without you holding on too dearly to it

-

And soon all these people and all these relationships of 2017
I wonder how relevant they'll be 12 months from now
How much would we have allowed ourselves to grow by letting go of what was
what should have been and what could have been
What should continue being and what must be
Because though some choices are up to us to make
we tend to prioritize familiarity over risk

And i don't want to live in a nostalgia of a future that should be
trapped in the present moment of all i aspire for myself
instead of living
letting go
and discovering

instead, being stuck in a loop of rediscovery upon rediscovery
upon rediscovery.
it gets sickening after a while
to lead yourself into thinking you're growing
when you've only grown as much as you have fallen behind.
What kind of a life is that

hypocrisy is the most successful deception
i only pray these words become more than sentiments lost in times of future's past present

its an interesting phase that im going through right now

perhaps the reason why we so strongly dislike letting go is because
to let go is to denounce its relevance in our lives
and to denounce its relevance is to admit its insignificance
what does that mean than?
that nothing mattered?
how foolish we are
that because it once mattered
it has to continue to matter
or that because it shouldn't matter now
that it never mattered
if only life were as simple as a choice between zero and one
and humanity and all its workings
quantifiable as one option or another
but perhaps our greatest curse
is to live with the ambiguity of lying to ourselves about the absolutes of humanity and all its workings
at least for me thats what it feels like sometimes
but one cant compute everything
and one cant make sense of everything
and thats just how it is

The Screen - i

Even though we didn't know each other for the longest time
She was familiar
She felt like home
Maybe it's a tck thing
Maybe it's a late night supper thing
Maybe it's in the way we see our lives thing
A million places thing
Maybe it's a many houses no one home thing
Maybe it's a many faces no one race thing
Maybe it's a wandering thing
A joy developed over a loss of control because we had no choice thing
Maybe it's a temporary stay thing
But it's a forever thing

To all the bus rides that felt like an adventure
because we learned every journey meant a new chapter
To all the pensive moment staring by the river
we never shared together but somehow alone we experienced similar
To all the countries I never visited that you visited
That you never visited that I visited
From all the different people that share the same faces
different realities, same reality check
different places, same luggage tag
I've found a friend in you
A family in you
A fellow sojourner in you
And though we stand alone traversing into the next chapter
We stand alone as a multitude
A single many
And that's how i know
It's a forever thing
A narrative we didn't start
A narrative we can't end
So i'll see you later
Even if it's after a while, my friend

(And it wasn't really something we ever spoke about
We just lived our lives as it were
But somehow it always felt like forever
Maybe we didn't have to talk about it because we knew
There was no need for an explanation
We just knew.)

11.3.17

---
For Robbie, Robertha, The coolest fast food junkie stadium chilling supper buddy.