Monday, June 29, 2015

i worry for the future of Singapore
everyone
blind.
self righteous
blind
too spoilt to see beyond their wants
blind
blind
blind
everyone
blind

Friday, June 26, 2015

history was made

my exam is today
9am today
i have 3 chapters left
but i thought this warrants at least a mention

you probably know what I'm talking about
if you don't
you're reading from the future
but the date this is written in will tell you much

anyways
this is a sensitive topic
and i don't have time
just that id like to say

don't be swayed
its the end times
expect only the worst
but don't conform to it

they're like sheep
lost, without its Shepard
impressionable, they absorb everything from right to wrong
good hearted, striving to be accepting and kind
but naive, under wrong circumstances imparted by wolves in sheep's clothing
they do not learn how to think
they learn what to think
they are fools
thinking that this was all them
but its not
it never was

pray.
that is the least you can do.
---------------------------------

humility is admirable
walk in humility
self righteousness and pride will tear you down
as it is doing to the remnants of a once great nation

they look so happy but they don't know what is coming
they don't have a single clue

Sunday, June 21, 2015

what if overcoming mediocrity is no mundane feat

i spoke too soon
today's message
was directed
right
at
me.

the unwritten precepts.
would you go above and beyond
the black and white
the written laws
the bare minimum
requirement

do you want to live this mundane life?
no.
obviously not.
made it pretty clear just the night before.
well its 2:13 am so i guess (the night before last night, and yesterday's message)

the problem is honey
i don't know
what
I'm supposed to do

i don't know
if God wants me
to finish uni
because to me
this is mundane shit
but being me
i can't tolerate mundaneness
thus
overcoming a mediocre process
is no mundane feat for me
its an oxymoron
but not paradoxical

living mundanely
is so horrifyingly terrifying
living it
would not be
a mediocre feat
understand?

did i just answer my own question.
or am i just confused.

what i want to do
i don't know
drop out of uni maybe
pursue the great unknown
go out there
and
travel
live
help
impact
change
lives
literally
tangibly
now.

when you feel like
you're living
within a certain time frame
your perception really changes

if the rapture really does take place by Sep 2017
and i make it
i don't want to waste my time
studying
i want to go out there

but then i realised
how unprepared i am
i know nothing

maybe I'm just a wuss
a wimp
a fucking sloth

and all of these
are just excuses
to not study

but
why
study
this way

a dear friend of mine told me
if nothing else
you get discipline from this

i agree completely
but at the same time

is there no other manner in which i can be disciplined?
must so much effort be invested into a dead end
alas,
i do not know that it is a dead end.
and if it disciplines me
it is not entirely without meaning

such cruelty
lie in the pathological liar
whose blind was removed
she finally sees
but her heart remains unturned.
(what am i even trying to say?????^ 2017 edit) ----------------------------------------------

thats how i feel right now
I've talked my way into understanding my own blinded perceptions
my justifications are deemed invalid by no one but myself
and i am faced with the option
the correct option
that i have rejected
only this time
i am aware that i reject what is good.

at least, i saw a shooting star today:)
it was really pretty.. a lot of wack has been going on in the sky lately
think this is the second shooting star i saw this year
wonder what they represent



Saturday, June 20, 2015

staring into space
so the tears won't fall

staring into space
so my mind remains blank

staring into space
playing dead

10:47

God

is this my test
to live mundane
to slave towards a goal i do not see
a future i do not want

i don't know if i can do this.

10:44

I'm going crazy trying to block out the thoughts in my head
I'm singing along to lyrics
trying to keep ahead
trying to block it all out
saying other things
typing this
looking at tattoos
looking at pictures
going on tumblr
pinterest
oh look this is so pretty.
anything
i want that
anything
this is really good
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
no
im not going to cry
im not going to cry
i like this song
i like this song
i really like this song
breathe
ok
ur ok
something will happen
intervention
maybe
or maybe
this is it
is this it
is this it
is this it
am i suppose to be ok with it
no this is not a rhetorical question
am i failing
at this
life
is this really
it
is this
shit
the funeral is playing
should i change?
i don't know if listening to sad songs is a good idea
i like this song
though


i like this song

i stopped for too long

should i continue

i shouldn't
i can't cry
this is stupid

is this it
am i suppose to make something out of this
is this the rut

because i don't want it
i want out
i want out

i want out.

can i leave
can i go some place else
can i do anything else
can i be anywhere else
please.

i want out


but
I'm here.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

19.6.15

its 10:16AM and i finally woke up earlier today only to end up on tumblr lol
home doesn't feel as much as how home use to feel
because the people that made it my home
were no longer there
the places were the same
the places induced certain reactions
but at the same time
with time
those places
become
blocked out
i become jaded
used to seeing the same things
its like in consumer behaviour
perception adjustment
i no longer see it
not for what is was at least
our playground
because no one was there
everyone moves on
everyone leaves
some earlier
some later
and thats life
eventually
to cope
you will have to learn
to  make your own skin
bones
mind
your home
and that's how it should be
thats what i think anyways.
until i leave this earth at least.
------------------------------------------------
lol sorry if i keep getting sidetrack with these random free prose that I'm not sure are poetry.. idk. its more like a journal entry to me, but i seem to type like this. hahaha. oh well.. im on tumblr.. AGAIN. and i came across something i reblogged from long ago

“ It’s funny, when I think about this exact time last year. Things were so different. I never would have thought that things could change so much in only a year. I wonder what next February will be like. ”

its June, i don't really remember how last June was like, i was probably already in Singapore, probably already moved back i don't know.. but i was thinking back to when i reblogged this, back to when i made the move back, the move i was forced to make, the move i wasn't expecting, and realising that I've become one of 'those people' the ones that leave before graduation, the ones that left early. we all thought i would have stayed to the end, so did i. it was such an unexpected move. Well, such is life, hopefully i'll understand the reason behind this one day. It was pretty depressing for a bit, but all is well now :)


It's 2:58AM and I'm still on tumblr

so much for going to bed earlier this time round lol
adding music to my tumblr was not a good idea

anyways i stumbled upon a comment i made on a post.







and I'm not against education or anything, but i do think that it shouldn't be the only way, and the system is kinda messed up.

so here were my comments i guess

People who do well in school have problems too, all my friends that flunk out and stuff just laugh and dismiss my attempts at trying to explain, that I. Can’t do it all. If I’m doing this right it means ive invested a lot of energy into this, so much that everything else is neglected, so much that I’m internally going crazy but I’m too tired from all this school shit to have the energy to deal with. And yes, sometimes I’m so tired I want to die. They don’t understand that when I lock myself in the study that I’m not studying I’m crying, Cuz each time I try to read a sentence I get anxiety attacks and the Devils in my head tell me I can’t do it and me telling myself that i can, leads to more crying Cuz it’s overkill and I feel helpless and I just want to die so this will all end. I smile and laugh and trust me I’m not faking it, but when I’m no longer with company and left with my own thoughts and responsibilities it’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.

Thank goodness I'm no longer in that dark place, but well.. that was during my diploma and my uni just begun, so idk if this is gonna repeat itself, and i know that everyone is on summer vacation right now or some holiday (or maybe ur stuck in sch like me) i wish i can tell you that there isn't another way, because then you can just vent. But there are other ways, though they don't provide as much security, but honestly, i don't think this path is for everyone (if anyone). If you have something you really believe in, and YOU CAN COMMIT, and the circumstances are favourable then i say go for it. i don't understand why we have to fit into a societal norm of education. It is safer in certain aspects, but i no longer know how credible these certificates are, you're just jamming shit into your head to cram for an exam that you won't remember when you actually start gaining experience through actual work. So i mean, more often than not people won't have the resources, guts, support etc. to venture out and try something else, but if you do and you want to, good for you. but obviously its not an easy way out, it will require the same amount of handwork, but at least, hopefully it will be a more productive and conducive effort of your time and resources. we have to stop doing things for the sake of doing them.

Whilst listening to music, and looking at old tumblr posts

There is so much more to life then whatever i am working towards
there are people out there
misunderstood
beautiful but lost
and i want to help  them
i want them to be found
i want to do things with my life
that makes a difference
a good one
i want to indulge
in cultural experiences
to be raw
with the earth
to scream at it in frustration
in a foreign land whilst stuck
confused
misunderstood
because the natives don't understand me
i want to find myself through experiences such as those

but I'm just a teenager
staring at a screen
words that are but dreams
that have not come to past

typing away on her keyboard
willing it to happen
with the surge of her heartbeat
and breath
but nothing else

i am here
wondering
why

why can't i go out there
God
why
why am i here
studying for my degree
that i don't see myself investing in after I'm done with it

i do it for my parents
my grand parents
society
expectations
their security
mental
security

but
here now
there is a time for everything
and as mediocre as this life is
i can't deny
the little joys i find in the crevices of my mundane existence
no,
i don't live for those
those just help me get by
as i ponder
on the meaning to me
being
here
at a time such as this

because child,
there is  meaning behind everything
whether you see it or not
everything is interwoven
connected
linked
what faint strings of fate that tie us with the people
we walk by in the subway that do not even register in our conscience
or that girl in your class you see every week
or that boy that used to be in your class that you occasionally see from time to time

there is a reason to the juxtaposition of people
places
things
ideas
approximate to you

we may not see it
we may never

but until i find myself in the most mundane of places
i won't find myself in these grand adventures i yearn for.

so i guess i'll be ok with what is my life
now
and just be

until it changes yet again
that is the one thing i can rely on
it never fails to change with the seasons.

---------------------------------------------------

Free flow just thinking on paper.. hais, i can't be the only one that think this way. either ways, my life was always pretty hectic i guess, I'm a Third Culture Kid, TCK for short, Singaporean that moved to China and i basically studied there from the fourth grade till the end of my Sophomore year in an international school with a bunch of people just like me, i would never give up that experience for anything in my life. It was simply put, quite amazing, they were literally my family. Everyone was similar just relying on the fact that we were all TCKs, it was a small school, i think there was less than 100 people in high school hahahaha and when i was in middle school there were probably also less than 100 people. And there is only one class for each grade so you grow really close with your class mates, even the ones i don't talk to i treat as my family, just those siblings you never talk to lol. So yep, that had nothing to do with my blog above but lol. Now you know a little more about me. My school wasn't very stringent on education, i heard its the best in comparison with the other international schools in our city, Chengdu, but i remembered it being very chill, interactive. Always looked forward to spring trips where you and your class go to neighbouring cities for like a week, it was awesome, not academic at all, spiritual, bonding, it was a Christian school. And we had like sleepovers in school and stuff it was pretty rad, okay now I'm ranting, lol, bye.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Nothing.

the white ceiling
faded black panels
passing by
again and again
a motion picture

a remix

black

light.

white

sighs

everything

nothing
nothing
blank

like the colour
the story

nothing

ascending
descending

nothing
there.



nothing. 





out, air
out, breath

breathe
exhale
mirrors

twinkle
ascending

wind
breeze

breathe
exhale

light
black
faded 
circling

an animation

breathe
deep
exhale

what do you see

close you eyes
tick, tick, tick


open
light
nothing
bright

everything, nothing.
nothing at all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This probably doesn't make any sense, but its how I'm feeling right now.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Conversations with the Night, Two

Greetings from the night
the moon is slightly alarmed
she says not to cry.

---------------------------------------------

I don't think i've cried in a while, but to me, a while would be a day or two.. so I'm not sure. Frankly, I'm rather satisfied with my life right now. Sure, some weird things have happened, i got sick of one of my friend's clinginess/manipulation and called her out on it. Not sure what's gonna happen now. but other than that, I'm not even freaking out over how much work i have to do, it'll be taken care of. lol watch me freak out later, but i'll just chill with God now. Sunday was lovely, it has been getting progressively lovelier actually. Apparently i'm really good at lying, we played some gamed called imposters and i was "too good". I wonder what that says about me. I hate liars, manipulators and everything meant to deceive no matter the intention. How ironic would it be to be that excellent of a liar/manipulator i don't know it myself. Nah, i think I'm fine. Just good at fooling people if need be. i don't know.. i think I'm reading too much into this game lol. (removed) i just realised that this has nothing to do with the haiku.. oh well. Cry if you must, it helps a lot more than holding it in. I love the night, its just me, the moon, stars, night sky, God, and my raw soul. Something about the night, draws out your soul, awakening parts of you no one gets to see in the daytime. You're free from expectations, expectations of any kind and all kinds, i don't have to fit into society. i just have to find the innate voice in me and let it scream in all of its agonizing glory. I get to be ardent, spiritually enlightened, awake and alive, feeling everything that was compressed, hiding. i get to dream with my eyes open, cry about all the things i want to do with my life but have not. Have real dreams and pray to God i work hard enough to realise them, or have Him fulfilling it through me. Get lost, find my way. Cry some more, because finally.. i was able to breath,
be real,
be happy.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Conversations with the Night, One

Greetings from yourself,
drunken stars and dazed headlights
how'd you find last night?



------------------------------------------------------
contrary to what i believe will be popular belief if this haiku was popular enough to have a popular belief (did i lose you there?) no this is not about partying too hard and getting wasted..lol. Inside i kinda knew what i was denoting to but at the same time i didn't know i had such a clear understanding of my word choices. Sometimes words kinda just form in my head and i write them down, not thinking too much about it. But i was posting this on Poetry.com and this numbnut was asking me what i was trying to say, implying that it was too short. You would be surprised at the amount of people who don't know what a haiku is on a website known as 'poetry.com' (at this rate they should pay me for all this advertising.. oh wait.. no one knows who i am hahahaha) ok but seriously, I'm not promoting them or anything.

But yeah, he commented twice and the second time he seemed apologetic and wanted to know what it meant, which to my surprise i understood word for word. So here is my explanation, feel free to input yours.

Greetings from yourself --- sober you(me) thinking back in retrospect
drunken --- drunk on sadness/worries etc.
dazed --- high on emotions
stars & headlights --- the night
how'd you find last night? --- are you ok?

so basically it was me, the day after thinking back on my tears, worries, angst, all that shit that i got caught up with last night, you know when you're so consumed with your thoughts and emotions that you can't think straight, can't function, and you're just in a daze and everything is a blur cuz nothing else matters.. well that was revealed last night when there was no one to judge me, no barriers to hold me from what i was feeling in that moment

and the morning after was just me
me all better
perhaps healed up even
asking
about yesterday
the person i was perhaps thinking about
the worries about the future
the present
that was paralysing me

im in a better place now, having let that go
and i was just asking myself
how'd you feel?
are you better?
those worries?
that person?
can you cope?

and you know what
i'll be ok.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Returned Void (Prelude)

The moon watched as i
Called out your name, and i
got nothing back, no.

----------------------------------
Wrote this today, tried to publish it on poetry.com ... something is up with that website since yesterday, can't upload no shit its kinda annoying, either ways I'm starting this haiku series called Conversations with the night, this is the prelude i guess lol. I already have a few of it down since haikus are short and fast to write, comment on your interpretation? yea i know I'm speaking to no one because the only page views i get is literally from myself lol, but whatever, TO ALL YOU OUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE, HIIIIiii. ok. i don't know what that was for. but feel free to interpret this haiku and leave it in the comments section (if i have one?) I'm really curious as to how other people think, anyways, yea. Oh, and never mind. lol. Don't really feel like ranting about boys at the moment, maybe later.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Lionheart

As you all leave
grow up
move on with your lives
begin your lives
start a new chapter of your lives

you will be faced
with options
choices that you will have to make
the hardest part
is that these decisions
are based on your free will
only you get to make these decisions

will you be swayed by your peers
pressures of this world
temptations
desires
needs
wants
of the wrong things
they're not that bad right?
i mean
its just
a little bit..
but in your gut
something rises
refusing to settle

frankly
its uncomfortable
but let me tell you something
you may find this reassuring
you may not
with each choice you make
right or wrong
good or bad
disturbing or not
it will get easier
the guilt will wear away
so will the pleasures with time
there is a void that will become endless
and the further we drift from the truth
by listening to the lies
told by the devils of this world
beautiful little creatures of seduction
the deeper the gap hollows

in the end
it is your decision
your own free will
to muster up the courage
to listen to your gut
the innate conscience
we drown out

will you listen
to your mind if it has not yet been tinkered with
your heart if it is still loyal to the faith

do you have what it takes
to bare all
naked
to be transparent
without hidden agenda
to stand for what is right
not what the world says is right
not what is manipulated to be right
but what is right
and just
and lovely
and good

are you able to say
that it is I
I who chose
I who chose to embark on this path

because let me warn you
the wolves are close by
they're howling and snarling
their teeth snapping against what little fortress of twigs you have built to protect yourself
the crows
they're a multitude
closing in quick
the hills are dark
mountainous
and never ending

they all have one purpose
and that is to destroy you
and steal
your heart
your soul
your mind

will you
my dear
brave on
young lion heart. 

6/6/15 11:15PM

Phoebe - His Child, Young lion heart.
-----------------------------------------------
This was inspired from todays message, worship song sung by the most inspirational person i look up to and respect immensely and my classmates graduating from high school. Classmates not me, i left after my sophomore year, but perhaps thats a story for another time. And i guess if i wasn't suppose to be doing my group report i probably wouldn't have the time to procrastinate and this poem wouldn't have come about lol. Basically, today's message was very personal to me it was about whether you would take the unpopular opinion (of course take it because it is the truth not just for the sake of standing against the current) and stand for it. We have a misconception of being brave and courageous, we see it as this notable act of defiance and rebellion that is admirable. It is not hard to be "true to who you are" ("true to your sinful desires") all that requires you to do is for you to do whatever you want because that is who you are and you should embrace it or whatever they're saying these days. We are very hypocritical, i mean, would you be able to apply this phrase to a murderer saying embrace who you are man, if killing is your thing, and dead corpses are your bae, if you're a necrophiliac, have at it. What is wrong with improving yourself? We have become so lazy, descending into this ultimatum of indulgence, self righteousness and arrogance that we refuse to see a doctor and have our impurities diagnosed because we are so conceited and comfortable in our filth. I am not here to condemn, we are all imperfect and we can never be perfect, but instead of swimming in our iniquities we should strive to be the best versions of ourselves. We are afraid of the struggle, well too bad, that's life, will you float on by and drown when the high tide rolls in, or will you go against the current and be swept away again and again, drowning, submerged beneath the ocean, will you struggle until you become a master of the ocean, and when the high tides come rolling in, will you finally after all your failures and tenacious voracity, will you be able to take on the wave, break into it, swim the uphill current, against the tide and hold you breath through it all until you come out victorious on the other side. Which path will you take? No one said it would be easy.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Destruction in Disguise

Where you hear the sirens sing
The wind chill
The river weep

Where you see your clear reflection
Murky dark waters
Piranhas teeth

Where you smell the fresh sea water
Dead sailors' corpses
Disease in the air

Where you feel the salt ocean spray
Poison ivy's itch
Water filling your lungs

That's where I'll be
Don't look for me there
Its a beautiful temptation
One rather not share


----------------
So according to poetry.com I uploaded this 2 years ago, so i guess 2 or 3 years would be a safe estimate. Will try to upload a poem at least once a week, haven't been writing much so i'll have to rely on my old poems that's why only once a week is all that i can promise but obviously i may upload more. I realise when i type i sound like an old gentleman for some weird reason, hahaha maybe i have the soul of an old British man. Anyways hope you liked it, will be nice to hear from you lovely people of this universe.. wow i just said lovely people.. i feel like I'm constantly at a battle with two alter egos, anyways, ignore all that, have a nice day, its 1:01am and i should probably head to bed.. though i doubt that's whats going to happen.

Hi

lol.. i keep making a bunch of blogs and never follow through with them i really have to stop.. (that run on sentence though)

Anyways i thought it'd be nice to upload old poems i wrote that i came across, and also new ones that i come up with from time to time.

Hope you enjoy

Talk to me whenever

I love a good conversation.

With much love and regards,
Phoebe

P.S. All these poems are mine unless stated otherwise, if you have read it before which i doubt (but you can find me on poetry.com) it's probably under my pen name.