alone

sometimes the most beautiful thing one can be is alone.
when you take a misstep and the world falls away
youre lying on the kitchen floor
in a puddle of your own thoughts running a hundred miles an hour
and your insecurities, your fears, your darkest secrets and thoughts
theyre leaking out of your pores into the partitions of the tiled floors
every breath you take
a gasp for a life you regret
a chance you wish you didnt take
didnt know regret worked backwards as well

didnt know id hurt me like i would
and you pray that stillness finds you
but sometimes it doesnt
sometimes its a torrent of your own specially curated hell running lose in your mind
and youre screaming at your God youre screaming at yourself
youre screaming at the dreams you took a chance on
but no one hears a thing
because no one will ever hear the violent silence that carry you through your dark nights,
darker mornings still, you didnt want to wake up to

no one knows the brilliance in your smile carrying
your heavy lungs
no one knows the resonance in your laughter
masking the reverb of your tissues tearing apart

and thats okay
the night draws out
as the night calms
the wolves sleep
and the howls cease
your jaws begin to ache as your heart silences
the aftermath of a drunken stupor
resting your restless body

and your heart
your dear heart
collapsing in and of itself
still beating
and your mind, now a dull hum.

youve found solace in the inanimate embrace of these wooden corners
your tears no longer threaten to spill over
at least not for a few moments
its an ungodly hour for reasons beyond the early am.
and you see yourself
and you remember-
that no one has to know the chaos
no one has to see the ugly or understand the pain
because the soul has found a host
in a body not separate from her bones

and no amount of perplexity
loath
confusion
heart ache and drawn out nights can tear you apart from what was ordained in creation

there is a place
you can call home
alone.

PS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_72RkQV25Y (Arcade Fire - Song on the Beach followed by Photograph)

To me, and my God, thank you.

The Screen - ii

It’s happening again
I feel it in my bones
In the stillness of the air
The shiver up my spine as the wind curls around the nape of my neck
The zephyr calm but beckoning
The words forming but never spoken
She looks as though she’s a million miles away
But really she’s all present
Next to you
Beside herself
It’s a moment she writes down
Though she doesn’t know why
And just as silently as it comes it goes
Leaving the writer wondering why
Why

21.10.17/11.9.18

Chapter 1: 07.05.18.

And as i wipe my eyes

catching the tears that collect before they tip over ever so slightly,

I don't literally close the book

though the chapter ends.

It lays open

on my lap

The words of a stranger

ring familiar in my ears.

The breeze slowly filling what space it finds

between the fabric of my clothes and skin

my hair now unconfined wisps 

unfurling in the wind

My lips slightly parted

A meditation of heavenly tongues fills the chamber of my mouth

as new life breathe into my lungs.

There, next to me, on the bench

silent.

gaze steady in a far off distance.

An older gentlemen sits

he doesn't utter a word

he doesn't stir

he was the personification of a rock, almost

i found him comforting.

What stories may tell hidden in the creases of his eyes

And i wonder if we are one and the same

as i close mine.

The sun warm on my skin

light on my eyelids

i count to a hundred

memories flood.

1

2

5

of the boy who cared

and stopped

10

of the words that are not mine

but Are

20

This stranger's narrative

what is says about mine.

40

life

life and all of its mysteries

70

all of my questions and uncertainties melting away as i accept

98

this peace that does not make sense

100

My eyes open to the time on my phone signalling my departure

i do not utter a word.

though my heart is gratified with the presence of this stranger amidst the loneliness i feel among more familiar faces - old and new alike.

and i see you

You're here

and i know

i'll be ok

as i walk

and continue to walk

into this fresh

yet familiar uncertainty. 

5.4.18

Everything feels like a dream
These distant memories they can't even haunt me right because i barely remember
But they come to me in shudders
in waves
in whispers
in song
The stares of different admirers and I can barely see your face
I can barely remember what ensued
only the sentiments that followed
the imprints of my thoughts on a memory
The ones i thought would live on forever,
now foggy.
And even the words themselves
they're barely hanging on
The feelings themslves
they have dissipated into the ground beneath my feet.
But it's like my heart remembers even if my mind doesn't.
And it hurts inside
even if i don't remember why.

I don't even know if I miss you
Or what i thought we had
or what i thought we could have had
or what we didn't have.