(deleted)
i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
the grey skies i know all too well
what do you do when you miss home
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...
home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...
home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of
Thursday, September 24, 2015
its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite
i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions
sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.
when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along
but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know
i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions
sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.
when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along
but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know
i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore
Saturday, September 12, 2015
13.9.15
sometimes
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Madame Voyaguer D. T. The first episode
she was walking down a dimly lit alleyway
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short
--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM
the night is cold
the crescent moon hung crooked
like the smiles of the strange men staring from afar
there was a bridge on the far side
north bound she strode
no light no guide
but one instruction
home the note said
a different time a different place
almost impossible was the circumstance
paradoxical even
otherworldly was this appearance
a fortnight ago she emerged
drowned in centuries ahead of slumber
to emerge from the riverbank
full clothed in archaic wear
madame they called her
madame voyaguer d.t. for short
--------------------------------------
sorry ive been so preoccupied
randomly came up with this when listening to
I dont think about you anymore, but i dont think about you anyless by the Hungry Ghosts
beautiful piece
you can listen to it here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9SUmAyKWM
Monday, August 10, 2015
i became one those people that write melancholic shit for others
its been a while now
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind
-
x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead
and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have
------------------------------
x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not
-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16
sorry i have been busy
got lost in my own mind
-
x
the disbelief
then the sadness that hits you when the doors close
the anger that enters when the lights go
the life that leave you as you wake the morning after
Stumbling through the day unbothered by the stares and variations of triangulating vibes
You forgot your face at home.
x
getting over it
sending your best wishes
earnest prayer masking desperation
you hope for God's will to be done
the brief moments of spite
You locked up your heart
but only from one
because it was only open
to close to none
The liberation after
Forgetting.
the nonchalance
the happiness
the numbness
irrelevant
relevant
slightly maybe
not too sure
Then theres the remembering.
Randomly it hits you at 4 in the am while you are crying over something else and you remembered
what you lost most.
Never again.
It hurt
But you wouldn't give it a second chance if you could.
But theres no hate either
just a chance at moving on
one you're giving yourself
moving on in a different direction
Away.
And then theres normal life
as normal as a mentally unstable, highly volatile and emotionally inapt individual can have
and you remember again
and the anger is gone
and the happiness you had wished for others
you wished for yourself instead
and maybe you'll give a second chance
if it was ever yours to give
if it was ever mine to have
------------------------------
x
i have been spiralling lately
most of my thoughts have been revolving around my own issues as of late
but i wrote this one down
and i write about it too often
and its not supposed to be relevant to my life anymore
and i thought i forgot but i guess not
-
replaced and changed some stuff cuz some things are not worth remembering - 26.9.16
Sunday, July 19, 2015
The Light behind the door
there was a door
i went in
a darkly lit hallway
uncertainty ascending
stairs creaking
stepping on glass
a siren's song
luring bait
a dim room
a dark room
mirage to dust
shut doors
no light
once melody
crescendoing laughter
snarls i heard
growls i heard
shouts agonizing
stabs self induced
pulling
tugging
tearing at my skin
trapped
hell raised
locked room
no key
a light
not bright
peaking under the door
behind the door
locked room
no key
no exit
no
constant anticipation
of the demons that haunt me
a game that fed
my desolation
insanity driven
basking in the comforts
of the darkness that is my home
the screams
my lullaby
the tears
my mid night oil
the light
a constant reminder
the constant light
jaded
adjusted perceptions
what light
i don't remember
but He calmed my heart
and silenced the ghosts
prompted me to open the door
its locked i said
its locked and i can't get out
i want to but i can't
but i can't
i can't
retreating into the corner
roughed edges
bruised arms
i remembered the fleeting moment
my mind was quiet
my soul was sound
slowly i creeped
inching closer
crawling further
blind eyed
in the dark
His voice
my guide
shards of glass sinking in
but the lure was too deep
we'd have conversations
and sometimes
His voice would drown theirs out
patiently He waited
whether i listened to Him or not
louder they shrieked
harder they pulled
but in the confusion
i seek His voice
soft but strong
whispering into my ear
the wounds i hid
He ripped wide open
the pain of yesterday
relieved again
gently He tended
to the wounds as i teared
slowly but surely
He filled my heart
with promises and purpose
with wisdom and meaning
and now i sit
back against the door
behind i know
there is a great light
i'll stay and fix
the broken flashlight if there is one
if not
i'll make one from the spare pieces
of my enemies weaknesses
i'll emanate that great light
it'll dissipate across the room
He'll tell me what to do
He'll give me the directions
but for now i'll collect the spare pieces
come face to face with my demons
i'll tremble in my shoes
and cry in my sleep
but each time i'll remember
the purpose propelling me
and i'll remember to show my wounds
so He can tend them daily
we'll have late night conversations
He'll give me rest then
wipe my tears
tuck me in
and envelop me
with a hug
goodnight kisses
i'll sleep soundly because i know
the wolves are close
but he stands guard
he stands closer
no longer does this peace elude me
no longer do i fear the dark.
--------------------------------------------
this was inspired from i guess yesterday's sermon since its 2:40am lol
have you ever
been so at peace
and happy
that you feel like crying?
cuz
in that moment
in the chaos
in the desolation
in the confusion
darkness
storm
emptiness
you found peace
hope
direction
light
character
meaning
or it found you
but you
you chose to accept it
you allowed it to touch you
walked out of the dark room
felt the sunlight warm your heart
it was there all along
everything
the thorns
but also the roses
but you know what makes it so beautiful
and wonderfully amazing
pricking your fingers
to get to the rose
choosing to be happy
when everything turns against you
and its so beautiful because
its absurd
so stupid
so pointless
so insane
unthinkable
but then you did it
and you're just like
wtf
but you're happy
but it doesn't make sense
it shouldn't
but it does
and thats just pretty amazing
accomplishing an impossible feat like that
choosing to dwell in the peace
against all logical notion of uncertainty that awaits
thank you
crying because it couldn't be done
crying because it was done
obviously its a daily thing
and i'll have to go through it all over again
but it was nice while it lasted
and nice knowing
it could be done
Friday, July 10, 2015
university rant .1
here i am
wiping the tears before they fall
can it really be
can university life just not be for me
am i a wimp for wanting to drop out
or for not dropping out to pursue something else
i don't know
i don't know
i have no fucking clue
i dont fucking know
all i know is that
i go day in day out
stoned face
i can't absorb freaking anything
I'm sitting in front of my computer
and every article
story
message
is pointing me to leave
but i don't know
if that would be rash
like everything else I've done
and then i remembered
i never regretted any rash decision i made
and now I'm crying
but i don't know
what if this is just a means for escapism
maybe I'm not mature enough?
BUT HOW CAN THIS BE
everyone my age is in university
how come they can do it but i can't
how can i disappoint everyone
my family members
my traditional grandparents
what are they gonna say
sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave
and i swear
i just might do that
i don't even think i'll die or anything
but surely there are better choices to be made
before cutting ties with everyone that i love and know
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO
i don't know man
do i really have to go through university
sometimes i think
its just me
im crazy
I'm just being immature
that university will be good for me
but i just
i lack the motivation
the desire
the passion
when it comes to academics
you can ask my friends
at least from high school onwards
no matter how lazy i was
i would make sure
i did what i had to do
to do well
i always did well
it was in my blood to strive
but here i am
i don't even fucking care anymore
i just want to pass for the sake of my group mates
my parent's money
for the sake of just passing
but other than that
if this
this journey of life
university.
wasn't a journey that took into account everyone else
i would have left
but its not so simple
its a lone journey mentally
but in reality
there are too many players narrating the story
and i need to breathe
but each time i try to grasp for air
they shove me back down into the water
and i don't understand why
i can't just discover life on my own
why must i take into account everyone's feelings
its not like I'm hurting them
i just need to find myself for a bit
but at the same time
who am i to make such boisterous claims
i still rely on them financially
but honestly
if they'd allow me
id go
i won't rely on anyone
i'll take holiday jobs
and just go
cuz i can't anymore
i just can't
but when i silence my mind
and try to find the voice of reason
and fail to
or succeed, sometimes
it tells me to stay
to be patient
to suffer
it builds character.
i agree with long suffering
but the only problem in this case is
i don't see the end to my suffering
i don't see the goal I'm trying to achieve that would require that suffering
oh wait
i see it
but it doesn't belong to me
it is not my vision
my aspiration
my dream
but than
what is?
i don't even know anymore
---------------------------------
what if this is all just a pity party for one
wiping the tears before they fall
can it really be
can university life just not be for me
am i a wimp for wanting to drop out
or for not dropping out to pursue something else
i don't know
i don't know
i have no fucking clue
i dont fucking know
all i know is that
i go day in day out
stoned face
i can't absorb freaking anything
I'm sitting in front of my computer
and every article
story
message
is pointing me to leave
but i don't know
if that would be rash
like everything else I've done
and then i remembered
i never regretted any rash decision i made
and now I'm crying
but i don't know
what if this is just a means for escapism
maybe I'm not mature enough?
BUT HOW CAN THIS BE
everyone my age is in university
how come they can do it but i can't
how can i disappoint everyone
my family members
my traditional grandparents
what are they gonna say
sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave
and i swear
i just might do that
i don't even think i'll die or anything
but surely there are better choices to be made
before cutting ties with everyone that i love and know
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO
i don't know man
do i really have to go through university
sometimes i think
its just me
im crazy
I'm just being immature
that university will be good for me
but i just
i lack the motivation
the desire
the passion
when it comes to academics
you can ask my friends
at least from high school onwards
no matter how lazy i was
i would make sure
i did what i had to do
to do well
i always did well
it was in my blood to strive
but here i am
i don't even fucking care anymore
i just want to pass for the sake of my group mates
my parent's money
for the sake of just passing
but other than that
if this
this journey of life
university.
wasn't a journey that took into account everyone else
i would have left
but its not so simple
its a lone journey mentally
but in reality
there are too many players narrating the story
and i need to breathe
but each time i try to grasp for air
they shove me back down into the water
and i don't understand why
i can't just discover life on my own
why must i take into account everyone's feelings
its not like I'm hurting them
i just need to find myself for a bit
but at the same time
who am i to make such boisterous claims
i still rely on them financially
but honestly
if they'd allow me
id go
i won't rely on anyone
i'll take holiday jobs
and just go
cuz i can't anymore
i just can't
but when i silence my mind
and try to find the voice of reason
and fail to
or succeed, sometimes
it tells me to stay
to be patient
to suffer
it builds character.
i agree with long suffering
but the only problem in this case is
i don't see the end to my suffering
i don't see the goal I'm trying to achieve that would require that suffering
oh wait
i see it
but it doesn't belong to me
it is not my vision
my aspiration
my dream
but than
what is?
i don't even know anymore
---------------------------------
what if this is all just a pity party for one
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
there is no denying it
you know the end is near when you're not mad, just sad
when the faithful betray
when the strong fall
when the honest lie
skin shed
only to those who know
an outer layer unbeknownst to the ignorant
they follow blindly
you know the end is near when you cry for a nation
when your troubles are put on hold
as the burden of the world hangs on your shoulder
a lone prayer
a lone journey
a lone song
ignite
spark
season
sow
harvest
intercede
deny yourself
watch your back
watch your front
watch the demons
watch the angels
watch yourself
watch the reptilians
the masks
the skin
walk in unity
but stand alone
i've caught a glimpse of the cinders trailing behind the foot of angels
burned tips as their wings brushed against the devil's
they've chosen to enter the gates of hell
that is how you know the end is near
----------
when the faithful betray
when the strong fall
when the honest lie
skin shed
only to those who know
an outer layer unbeknownst to the ignorant
they follow blindly
you know the end is near when you cry for a nation
when your troubles are put on hold
as the burden of the world hangs on your shoulder
a lone prayer
a lone journey
a lone song
ignite
spark
season
sow
harvest
intercede
deny yourself
watch your back
watch your front
watch the demons
watch the angels
watch yourself
watch the reptilians
the masks
the skin
walk in unity
but stand alone
i've caught a glimpse of the cinders trailing behind the foot of angels
burned tips as their wings brushed against the devil's
they've chosen to enter the gates of hell
that is how you know the end is near
----------
Monday, July 6, 2015
unforeseen
so beautiful is this sadness
so beautiful is this darkness
so beautiful is this emptiness
tears drying up, dead flowers
so beautiful is the smoke invading my lungs
the dizzying sky, unlit consciences
unlit consciousness
unlit eyes
unlit fire
so beautiful is the despair
the gripping fingers around my neck
the silent screams into my bed
the little girl that slept on the bed
so beautiful is the sharp pain to my wrist
crimson blood, crimson lips
crimson scars, crimson fists
crimson hearts, crimson beasts
crimson lies
crimson bliss
damaged hearts
damaged bliss
damaged lies
unseen
unforeseen
unforeseen.
-------------
i guess i feel like writing
so beautiful is this darkness
so beautiful is this emptiness
tears drying up, dead flowers
so beautiful is the smoke invading my lungs
the dizzying sky, unlit consciences
unlit consciousness
unlit eyes
unlit fire
so beautiful is the despair
the gripping fingers around my neck
the silent screams into my bed
the little girl that slept on the bed
so beautiful is the sharp pain to my wrist
crimson blood, crimson lips
crimson scars, crimson fists
crimson hearts, crimson beasts
crimson lies
crimson bliss
damaged hearts
damaged bliss
damaged lies
unseen
unforeseen
unforeseen.
-------------
i guess i feel like writing
5:04pm
sometimes I'm sad for no reason
i just miss
things
people
times
places
and i was scrolling through my phone
I'm on tumblr
and a picture comes up
two words
please snow.
and i don't understand how
two words
so irrelevant
so absolutely
unconnected
incoherent
with anything
with my life
with my situation
with anything really
it didn't snow much where i used to live
it doesn't even snow at all where i live currently
but it just
made me so sad
and evoked
a certain emotion
of just
missing
someone
there i was wallowing in my own
silence
deprivation
and a question struck a chord in my consciousness
who is it do you miss exactly?
and i realised,
i have no idea.
----------------
someone explain to me what it is I'm feeling
i just miss
things
people
times
places
and i was scrolling through my phone
I'm on tumblr
and a picture comes up
two words
please snow.
and i don't understand how
two words
so irrelevant
so absolutely
unconnected
incoherent
with anything
with my life
with my situation
with anything really
it didn't snow much where i used to live
it doesn't even snow at all where i live currently
but it just
made me so sad
and evoked
a certain emotion
of just
missing
someone
there i was wallowing in my own
silence
deprivation
and a question struck a chord in my consciousness
who is it do you miss exactly?
and i realised,
i have no idea.
----------------
someone explain to me what it is I'm feeling
Friday, July 3, 2015
Conversations with the Night, Three
Greetings from the moon
I gathered you are upset
take a walk with me
I gathered you are upset
take a walk with me
so smile
in a gaze
in a medley
synchronised beating
your reflection on the car windows
train windows
plane windows
blending with the journey of your travels
your scent
embedded into the seats
taking in breath
sustenance
through your surroundings
take it all in
smooth against your skin
draw it out
remember what you'll remember
don't try too hard
look
further
closer
we are not looking for ourselves
each sensory receptor
ticking moment
painting picture
passing fragrant
salty tear
skin distortion
silky grass blade
cold wind
synchronised beating
unspoken word
fleeting thought
cold pressed juice
in your hand
down your throat
what were you thinking then
laughing with your friends
sitting on the rough gravel
looking into the lake
picking away at the strands of hair that flew into your face
harsh winds
fleeting gaze at the boy that walked by
what impression did he leave
did you leave
close your eyes
you're not looking for yourself
let others busy themselves
in the pursuit of the destination or journey that will lead them to enlightenment
while we understand that in each moment we are breathing
we are alive and living
thinking and being
piecing together a collage
that is our life
------------
i should sleep earlier lol
listen to this - Vallis Alps - Young
in a medley
synchronised beating
your reflection on the car windows
train windows
plane windows
blending with the journey of your travels
your scent
embedded into the seats
taking in breath
sustenance
through your surroundings
take it all in
smooth against your skin
draw it out
remember what you'll remember
don't try too hard
look
further
closer
we are not looking for ourselves
each sensory receptor
ticking moment
painting picture
passing fragrant
salty tear
skin distortion
silky grass blade
cold wind
synchronised beating
unspoken word
fleeting thought
cold pressed juice
in your hand
down your throat
what were you thinking then
laughing with your friends
sitting on the rough gravel
looking into the lake
picking away at the strands of hair that flew into your face
harsh winds
fleeting gaze at the boy that walked by
what impression did he leave
did you leave
close your eyes
you're not looking for yourself
let others busy themselves
in the pursuit of the destination or journey that will lead them to enlightenment
while we understand that in each moment we are breathing
we are alive and living
thinking and being
piecing together a collage
that is our life
------------
i should sleep earlier lol
listen to this - Vallis Alps - Young
Monday, June 29, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
history was made
my exam is today
9am today
i have 3 chapters left
but i thought this warrants at least a mention
you probably know what I'm talking about
if you don't
you're reading from the future
but the date this is written in will tell you much
anyways
this is a sensitive topic
and i don't have time
just that id like to say
don't be swayed
its the end times
expect only the worst
but don't conform to it
they're like sheep
lost, without its Shepard
impressionable, they absorb everything from right to wrong
good hearted, striving to be accepting and kind
but naive, under wrong circumstances imparted by wolves in sheep's clothing
they do not learn how to think
they learn what to think
they are fools
thinking that this was all them
but its not
it never was
pray.
that is the least you can do.
---------------------------------
humility is admirable
walk in humility
self righteousness and pride will tear you down
as it is doing to the remnants of a once great nation
they look so happy but they don't know what is coming
they don't have a single clue
9am today
i have 3 chapters left
but i thought this warrants at least a mention
you probably know what I'm talking about
if you don't
you're reading from the future
but the date this is written in will tell you much
anyways
this is a sensitive topic
and i don't have time
just that id like to say
don't be swayed
its the end times
expect only the worst
but don't conform to it
they're like sheep
lost, without its Shepard
impressionable, they absorb everything from right to wrong
good hearted, striving to be accepting and kind
but naive, under wrong circumstances imparted by wolves in sheep's clothing
they do not learn how to think
they learn what to think
they are fools
thinking that this was all them
but its not
it never was
pray.
that is the least you can do.
---------------------------------
humility is admirable
walk in humility
self righteousness and pride will tear you down
as it is doing to the remnants of a once great nation
they look so happy but they don't know what is coming
they don't have a single clue
Sunday, June 21, 2015
what if overcoming mediocrity is no mundane feat
i spoke too soon
today's message
was directed
right
at
me.
the unwritten precepts.
would you go above and beyond
the black and white
the written laws
the bare minimum
requirement
do you want to live this mundane life?
no.
obviously not.
made it pretty clear just the night before.
well its 2:13 am so i guess (the night before last night, and yesterday's message)
the problem is honey
i don't know
what
I'm supposed to do
i don't know
if God wants me
to finish uni
because to me
this is mundane shit
but being me
i can't tolerate mundaneness
thus
overcoming a mediocre process
is no mundane feat for me
its an oxymoron
but not paradoxical
living mundanely
is so horrifyingly terrifying
living it
would not be
a mediocre feat
understand?
did i just answer my own question.
or am i just confused.
what i want to do
i don't know
drop out of uni maybe
pursue the great unknown
go out there
and
travel
live
help
impact
change
lives
literally
tangibly
now.
when you feel like
you're living
within a certain time frame
your perception really changes
if the rapture really does take place by Sep 2017
and i make it
i don't want to waste my time
studying
i want to go out there
but then i realised
how unprepared i am
i know nothing
maybe I'm just a wuss
a wimp
a fucking sloth
and all of these
are just excuses
to not study
but
why
study
this way
a dear friend of mine told me
if nothing else
you get discipline from this
i agree completely
but at the same time
is there no other manner in which i can be disciplined?
must so much effort be invested into a dead end
alas,
i do not know that it is a dead end.
and if it disciplines me
it is not entirely without meaning
such cruelty
lie in the pathological liar
whose blind was removed
she finally sees
but her heart remains unturned.
(what am i even trying to say?????^ 2017 edit) ----------------------------------------------
thats how i feel right now
I've talked my way into understanding my own blinded perceptions
my justifications are deemed invalid by no one but myself
and i am faced with the option
the correct option
that i have rejected
only this time
i am aware that i reject what is good.
at least, i saw a shooting star today:)
it was really pretty.. a lot of wack has been going on in the sky lately
think this is the second shooting star i saw this year
wonder what they represent
today's message
was directed
right
at
me.
the unwritten precepts.
would you go above and beyond
the black and white
the written laws
the bare minimum
requirement
do you want to live this mundane life?
no.
obviously not.
made it pretty clear just the night before.
well its 2:13 am so i guess (the night before last night, and yesterday's message)
the problem is honey
i don't know
what
I'm supposed to do
i don't know
if God wants me
to finish uni
because to me
this is mundane shit
but being me
i can't tolerate mundaneness
thus
overcoming a mediocre process
is no mundane feat for me
its an oxymoron
but not paradoxical
living mundanely
is so horrifyingly terrifying
living it
would not be
a mediocre feat
understand?
did i just answer my own question.
or am i just confused.
what i want to do
i don't know
drop out of uni maybe
pursue the great unknown
go out there
and
travel
live
help
impact
change
lives
literally
tangibly
now.
when you feel like
you're living
within a certain time frame
your perception really changes
if the rapture really does take place by Sep 2017
and i make it
i don't want to waste my time
studying
i want to go out there
but then i realised
how unprepared i am
i know nothing
maybe I'm just a wuss
a wimp
a fucking sloth
and all of these
are just excuses
to not study
but
why
study
this way
a dear friend of mine told me
if nothing else
you get discipline from this
i agree completely
but at the same time
is there no other manner in which i can be disciplined?
must so much effort be invested into a dead end
alas,
i do not know that it is a dead end.
and if it disciplines me
it is not entirely without meaning
such cruelty
lie in the pathological liar
whose blind was removed
she finally sees
but her heart remains unturned.
(what am i even trying to say?????^ 2017 edit) ----------------------------------------------
thats how i feel right now
I've talked my way into understanding my own blinded perceptions
my justifications are deemed invalid by no one but myself
and i am faced with the option
the correct option
that i have rejected
only this time
i am aware that i reject what is good.
at least, i saw a shooting star today:)
it was really pretty.. a lot of wack has been going on in the sky lately
think this is the second shooting star i saw this year
wonder what they represent
Saturday, June 20, 2015
10:47
God
is this my test
to live mundane
to slave towards a goal i do not see
a future i do not want
i don't know if i can do this.
is this my test
to live mundane
to slave towards a goal i do not see
a future i do not want
i don't know if i can do this.
10:44
I'm going crazy trying to block out the thoughts in my head
I'm singing along to lyrics
trying to keep ahead
trying to block it all out
saying other things
typing this
looking at tattoos
looking at pictures
going on tumblr
pinterest
oh look this is so pretty.
anything
i want that
anything
this is really good
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
no
im not going to cry
im not going to cry
i like this song
i like this song
i really like this song
breathe
ok
ur ok
something will happen
intervention
maybe
or maybe
this is it
is this it
is this it
is this it
am i suppose to be ok with it
no this is not a rhetorical question
am i failing
at this
life
is this really
it
is this
shit
the funeral is playing
should i change?
i don't know if listening to sad songs is a good idea
i like this song
though
i like this song
i stopped for too long
should i continue
i shouldn't
i can't cry
this is stupid
is this it
am i suppose to make something out of this
is this the rut
because i don't want it
i want out
i want out
i want out.
can i leave
can i go some place else
can i do anything else
can i be anywhere else
please.
i want out
but
I'm here.
I'm singing along to lyrics
trying to keep ahead
trying to block it all out
saying other things
typing this
looking at tattoos
looking at pictures
going on tumblr
oh look this is so pretty.
anything
i want that
anything
this is really good
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
anything
no
im not going to cry
im not going to cry
i like this song
i like this song
i really like this song
breathe
ok
ur ok
something will happen
intervention
maybe
or maybe
this is it
is this it
is this it
is this it
am i suppose to be ok with it
no this is not a rhetorical question
am i failing
at this
life
is this really
it
is this
shit
the funeral is playing
should i change?
i don't know if listening to sad songs is a good idea
i like this song
though
i like this song
i stopped for too long
should i continue
i shouldn't
i can't cry
this is stupid
is this it
am i suppose to make something out of this
is this the rut
because i don't want it
i want out
i want out
i want out.
can i leave
can i go some place else
can i do anything else
can i be anywhere else
please.
i want out
but
I'm here.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
19.6.15
its 10:16AM and i finally woke up earlier today only to end up on tumblr lol
home doesn't feel as much as how home use to feel
because the people that made it my home
were no longer there
the places were the same
the places induced certain reactions
but at the same time
with time
those places
become
blocked out
i become jaded
used to seeing the same things
its like in consumer behaviour
perception adjustment
i no longer see it
not for what is was at least
our playground
because no one was there
everyone moves on
everyone leaves
some earlier
some later
and thats life
eventually
to cope
you will have to learn
to make your own skin
bones
mind
your home
and that's how it should be
thats what i think anyways.
until i leave this earth at least.
------------------------------------------------
lol sorry if i keep getting sidetrack with these random free prose that I'm not sure are poetry.. idk. its more like a journal entry to me, but i seem to type like this. hahaha. oh well.. im on tumblr.. AGAIN. and i came across something i reblogged from long ago
home doesn't feel as much as how home use to feel
because the people that made it my home
were no longer there
the places were the same
the places induced certain reactions
but at the same time
with time
those places
become
blocked out
i become jaded
used to seeing the same things
its like in consumer behaviour
perception adjustment
i no longer see it
not for what is was at least
our playground
because no one was there
everyone moves on
everyone leaves
some earlier
some later
and thats life
eventually
to cope
you will have to learn
to make your own skin
bones
mind
your home
and that's how it should be
thats what i think anyways.
until i leave this earth at least.
------------------------------------------------
lol sorry if i keep getting sidetrack with these random free prose that I'm not sure are poetry.. idk. its more like a journal entry to me, but i seem to type like this. hahaha. oh well.. im on tumblr.. AGAIN. and i came across something i reblogged from long ago
“ It’s funny, when I think about this exact time last year. Things were so different. I never would have thought that things could change so much in only a year. I wonder what next February will be like. ”
its June, i don't really remember how last June was like, i was probably already in Singapore, probably already moved back i don't know.. but i was thinking back to when i reblogged this, back to when i made the move back, the move i was forced to make, the move i wasn't expecting, and realising that I've become one of 'those people' the ones that leave before graduation, the ones that left early. we all thought i would have stayed to the end, so did i. it was such an unexpected move. Well, such is life, hopefully i'll understand the reason behind this one day. It was pretty depressing for a bit, but all is well now :)
It's 2:58AM and I'm still on tumblr
so much for going to bed earlier this time round lol
adding music to my tumblr was not a good idea
anyways i stumbled upon a comment i made on a post.
and I'm not against education or anything, but i do think that it shouldn't be the only way, and the system is kinda messed up.
so here were my comments i guess
People who do well in school have problems too, all my friends that flunk out and stuff just laugh and dismiss my attempts at trying to explain, that I. Can’t do it all. If I’m doing this right it means ive invested a lot of energy into this, so much that everything else is neglected, so much that I’m internally going crazy but I’m too tired from all this school shit to have the energy to deal with. And yes, sometimes I’m so tired I want to die. They don’t understand that when I lock myself in the study that I’m not studying I’m crying, Cuz each time I try to read a sentence I get anxiety attacks and the Devils in my head tell me I can’t do it and me telling myself that i can, leads to more crying Cuz it’s overkill and I feel helpless and I just want to die so this will all end. I smile and laugh and trust me I’m not faking it, but when I’m no longer with company and left with my own thoughts and responsibilities it’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Thank goodness I'm no longer in that dark place, but well.. that was during my diploma and my uni just begun, so idk if this is gonna repeat itself, and i know that everyone is on summer vacation right now or some holiday (or maybe ur stuck in sch like me) i wish i can tell you that there isn't another way, because then you can just vent. But there are other ways, though they don't provide as much security, but honestly, i don't think this path is for everyone (if anyone). If you have something you really believe in, and YOU CAN COMMIT, and the circumstances are favourable then i say go for it. i don't understand why we have to fit into a societal norm of education. It is safer in certain aspects, but i no longer know how credible these certificates are, you're just jamming shit into your head to cram for an exam that you won't remember when you actually start gaining experience through actual work. So i mean, more often than not people won't have the resources, guts, support etc. to venture out and try something else, but if you do and you want to, good for you. but obviously its not an easy way out, it will require the same amount of handwork, but at least, hopefully it will be a more productive and conducive effort of your time and resources. we have to stop doing things for the sake of doing them.
adding music to my tumblr was not a good idea
anyways i stumbled upon a comment i made on a post.
and I'm not against education or anything, but i do think that it shouldn't be the only way, and the system is kinda messed up.
so here were my comments i guess
People who do well in school have problems too, all my friends that flunk out and stuff just laugh and dismiss my attempts at trying to explain, that I. Can’t do it all. If I’m doing this right it means ive invested a lot of energy into this, so much that everything else is neglected, so much that I’m internally going crazy but I’m too tired from all this school shit to have the energy to deal with. And yes, sometimes I’m so tired I want to die. They don’t understand that when I lock myself in the study that I’m not studying I’m crying, Cuz each time I try to read a sentence I get anxiety attacks and the Devils in my head tell me I can’t do it and me telling myself that i can, leads to more crying Cuz it’s overkill and I feel helpless and I just want to die so this will all end. I smile and laugh and trust me I’m not faking it, but when I’m no longer with company and left with my own thoughts and responsibilities it’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Thank goodness I'm no longer in that dark place, but well.. that was during my diploma and my uni just begun, so idk if this is gonna repeat itself, and i know that everyone is on summer vacation right now or some holiday (or maybe ur stuck in sch like me) i wish i can tell you that there isn't another way, because then you can just vent. But there are other ways, though they don't provide as much security, but honestly, i don't think this path is for everyone (if anyone). If you have something you really believe in, and YOU CAN COMMIT, and the circumstances are favourable then i say go for it. i don't understand why we have to fit into a societal norm of education. It is safer in certain aspects, but i no longer know how credible these certificates are, you're just jamming shit into your head to cram for an exam that you won't remember when you actually start gaining experience through actual work. So i mean, more often than not people won't have the resources, guts, support etc. to venture out and try something else, but if you do and you want to, good for you. but obviously its not an easy way out, it will require the same amount of handwork, but at least, hopefully it will be a more productive and conducive effort of your time and resources. we have to stop doing things for the sake of doing them.
Whilst listening to music, and looking at old tumblr posts
There is so much more to life then whatever i am working towards
there are people out there
misunderstood
beautiful but lost
and i want to help them
i want them to be found
i want to do things with my life
that makes a difference
a good one
i want to indulge
in cultural experiences
to be raw
with the earth
to scream at it in frustration
in a foreign land whilst stuck
confused
misunderstood
because the natives don't understand me
i want to find myself through experiences such as those
but I'm just a teenager
staring at a screen
words that are but dreams
that have not come to past
typing away on her keyboard
willing it to happen
with the surge of her heartbeat
and breath
but nothing else
i am here
wondering
why
why can't i go out there
God
why
why am i here
studying for my degree
that i don't see myself investing in after I'm done with it
i do it for my parents
my grand parents
society
expectations
their security
mental
security
but
here now
there is a time for everything
and as mediocre as this life is
i can't deny
the little joys i find in the crevices of my mundane existence
no,
i don't live for those
those just help me get by
as i ponder
on the meaning to me
being
here
at a time such as this
because child,
there is meaning behind everything
whether you see it or not
everything is interwoven
connected
linked
what faint strings of fate that tie us with the people
we walk by in the subway that do not even register in our conscience
or that girl in your class you see every week
or that boy that used to be in your class that you occasionally see from time to time
there is a reason to the juxtaposition of people
places
things
ideas
approximate to you
we may not see it
we may never
but until i find myself in the most mundane of places
i won't find myself in these grand adventures i yearn for.
so i guess i'll be ok with what is my life
now
and just be
until it changes yet again
that is the one thing i can rely on
it never fails to change with the seasons.
---------------------------------------------------
Free flow just thinking on paper.. hais, i can't be the only one that think this way. either ways, my life was always pretty hectic i guess, I'm a Third Culture Kid, TCK for short, Singaporean that moved to China and i basically studied there from the fourth grade till the end of my Sophomore year in an international school with a bunch of people just like me, i would never give up that experience for anything in my life. It was simply put, quite amazing, they were literally my family. Everyone was similar just relying on the fact that we were all TCKs, it was a small school, i think there was less than 100 people in high school hahahaha and when i was in middle school there were probably also less than 100 people. And there is only one class for each grade so you grow really close with your class mates, even the ones i don't talk to i treat as my family, just those siblings you never talk to lol. So yep, that had nothing to do with my blog above but lol. Now you know a little more about me. My school wasn't very stringent on education, i heard its the best in comparison with the other international schools in our city, Chengdu, but i remembered it being very chill, interactive. Always looked forward to spring trips where you and your class go to neighbouring cities for like a week, it was awesome, not academic at all, spiritual, bonding, it was a Christian school. And we had like sleepovers in school and stuff it was pretty rad, okay now I'm ranting, lol, bye.
there are people out there
misunderstood
beautiful but lost
and i want to help them
i want them to be found
i want to do things with my life
that makes a difference
a good one
i want to indulge
in cultural experiences
to be raw
with the earth
to scream at it in frustration
in a foreign land whilst stuck
confused
misunderstood
because the natives don't understand me
i want to find myself through experiences such as those
but I'm just a teenager
staring at a screen
words that are but dreams
that have not come to past
typing away on her keyboard
willing it to happen
with the surge of her heartbeat
and breath
but nothing else
i am here
wondering
why
why can't i go out there
God
why
why am i here
studying for my degree
that i don't see myself investing in after I'm done with it
i do it for my parents
my grand parents
society
expectations
their security
mental
security
but
here now
there is a time for everything
and as mediocre as this life is
i can't deny
the little joys i find in the crevices of my mundane existence
no,
i don't live for those
those just help me get by
as i ponder
on the meaning to me
being
here
at a time such as this
because child,
there is meaning behind everything
whether you see it or not
everything is interwoven
connected
linked
what faint strings of fate that tie us with the people
we walk by in the subway that do not even register in our conscience
or that girl in your class you see every week
or that boy that used to be in your class that you occasionally see from time to time
there is a reason to the juxtaposition of people
places
things
ideas
approximate to you
we may not see it
we may never
but until i find myself in the most mundane of places
i won't find myself in these grand adventures i yearn for.
so i guess i'll be ok with what is my life
now
and just be
until it changes yet again
that is the one thing i can rely on
it never fails to change with the seasons.
---------------------------------------------------
Free flow just thinking on paper.. hais, i can't be the only one that think this way. either ways, my life was always pretty hectic i guess, I'm a Third Culture Kid, TCK for short, Singaporean that moved to China and i basically studied there from the fourth grade till the end of my Sophomore year in an international school with a bunch of people just like me, i would never give up that experience for anything in my life. It was simply put, quite amazing, they were literally my family. Everyone was similar just relying on the fact that we were all TCKs, it was a small school, i think there was less than 100 people in high school hahahaha and when i was in middle school there were probably also less than 100 people. And there is only one class for each grade so you grow really close with your class mates, even the ones i don't talk to i treat as my family, just those siblings you never talk to lol. So yep, that had nothing to do with my blog above but lol. Now you know a little more about me. My school wasn't very stringent on education, i heard its the best in comparison with the other international schools in our city, Chengdu, but i remembered it being very chill, interactive. Always looked forward to spring trips where you and your class go to neighbouring cities for like a week, it was awesome, not academic at all, spiritual, bonding, it was a Christian school. And we had like sleepovers in school and stuff it was pretty rad, okay now I'm ranting, lol, bye.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Nothing.
the white ceiling
faded black panels
passing by
again and again
a motion picture
a remix
black
light.
white
sighs
everything
nothing
nothing
blank
like the colour
the story
nothing
ascending
descending
nothing
there.
nothing.
out, air
out, breath
breathe
exhale
mirrors
twinkle
ascending
wind
breeze
breathe
exhale
light
black
faded
circling
an animation
breathe
deep
exhale
what do you see
close you eyes
tick, tick, tick
open
light
nothing
bright
everything, nothing.
nothing at all.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This probably doesn't make any sense, but its how I'm feeling right now.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Conversations with the Night, Two
Greetings from the night
the moon is slightly alarmed
she says not to cry.
---------------------------------------------
I don't think i've cried in a while, but to me, a while would be a day or two.. so I'm not sure. Frankly, I'm rather satisfied with my life right now. Sure, some weird things have happened, i got sick of one of my friend's clinginess/manipulation and called her out on it. Not sure what's gonna happen now. but other than that, I'm not even freaking out over how much work i have to do, it'll be taken care of. lol watch me freak out later, but i'll just chill with God now. Sunday was lovely, it has been getting progressively lovelier actually. Apparently i'm really good at lying, we played some gamed called imposters and i was "too good". I wonder what that says about me. I hate liars, manipulators and everything meant to deceive no matter the intention. How ironic would it be to be that excellent of a liar/manipulator i don't know it myself. Nah, i think I'm fine. Just good at fooling people if need be. i don't know.. i think I'm reading too much into this game lol. (removed) i just realised that this has nothing to do with the haiku.. oh well. Cry if you must, it helps a lot more than holding it in. I love the night, its just me, the moon, stars, night sky, God, and my raw soul. Something about the night, draws out your soul, awakening parts of you no one gets to see in the daytime. You're free from expectations, expectations of any kind and all kinds, i don't have to fit into society. i just have to find the innate voice in me and let it scream in all of its agonizing glory. I get to be ardent, spiritually enlightened, awake and alive, feeling everything that was compressed, hiding. i get to dream with my eyes open, cry about all the things i want to do with my life but have not. Have real dreams and pray to God i work hard enough to realise them, or have Him fulfilling it through me. Get lost, find my way. Cry some more, because finally.. i was able to breath,
be real,
be happy.
the moon is slightly alarmed
she says not to cry.
---------------------------------------------
I don't think i've cried in a while, but to me, a while would be a day or two.. so I'm not sure. Frankly, I'm rather satisfied with my life right now. Sure, some weird things have happened, i got sick of one of my friend's clinginess/manipulation and called her out on it. Not sure what's gonna happen now. but other than that, I'm not even freaking out over how much work i have to do, it'll be taken care of. lol watch me freak out later, but i'll just chill with God now. Sunday was lovely, it has been getting progressively lovelier actually. Apparently i'm really good at lying, we played some gamed called imposters and i was "too good". I wonder what that says about me. I hate liars, manipulators and everything meant to deceive no matter the intention. How ironic would it be to be that excellent of a liar/manipulator i don't know it myself. Nah, i think I'm fine. Just good at fooling people if need be. i don't know.. i think I'm reading too much into this game lol. (removed) i just realised that this has nothing to do with the haiku.. oh well. Cry if you must, it helps a lot more than holding it in. I love the night, its just me, the moon, stars, night sky, God, and my raw soul. Something about the night, draws out your soul, awakening parts of you no one gets to see in the daytime. You're free from expectations, expectations of any kind and all kinds, i don't have to fit into society. i just have to find the innate voice in me and let it scream in all of its agonizing glory. I get to be ardent, spiritually enlightened, awake and alive, feeling everything that was compressed, hiding. i get to dream with my eyes open, cry about all the things i want to do with my life but have not. Have real dreams and pray to God i work hard enough to realise them, or have Him fulfilling it through me. Get lost, find my way. Cry some more, because finally.. i was able to breath,
be real,
be happy.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Conversations with the Night, One
Greetings from yourself,
drunken stars and dazed headlights
how'd you find last night?
------------------------------------------------------
contrary to what i believe will be popular belief if this haiku was popular enough to have a popular belief (did i lose you there?) no this is not about partying too hard and getting wasted..lol. Inside i kinda knew what i was denoting to but at the same time i didn't know i had such a clear understanding of my word choices. Sometimes words kinda just form in my head and i write them down, not thinking too much about it. But i was posting this on Poetry.com and this numbnut was asking me what i was trying to say, implying that it was too short. You would be surprised at the amount of people who don't know what a haiku is on a website known as 'poetry.com' (at this rate they should pay me for all this advertising.. oh wait.. no one knows who i am hahahaha) ok but seriously, I'm not promoting them or anything.
But yeah, he commented twice and the second time he seemed apologetic and wanted to know what it meant, which to my surprise i understood word for word. So here is my explanation, feel free to input yours.
Greetings from yourself --- sober you(me) thinking back in retrospect
drunken --- drunk on sadness/worries etc.
dazed --- high on emotions
stars & headlights --- the night
how'd you find last night? --- are you ok?
so basically it was me, the day after thinking back on my tears, worries, angst, all that shit that i got caught up with last night, you know when you're so consumed with your thoughts and emotions that you can't think straight, can't function, and you're just in a daze and everything is a blur cuz nothing else matters.. well that was revealed last night when there was no one to judge me, no barriers to hold me from what i was feeling in that moment
and the morning after was just me
me all better
perhaps healed up even
asking
about yesterday
the person i was perhaps thinking about
the worries about the future
the present
that was paralysing me
im in a better place now, having let that go
and i was just asking myself
how'd you feel?
are you better?
those worries?
that person?
can you cope?
and you know what
i'll be ok.
drunken stars and dazed headlights
how'd you find last night?
------------------------------------------------------
contrary to what i believe will be popular belief if this haiku was popular enough to have a popular belief (did i lose you there?) no this is not about partying too hard and getting wasted..lol. Inside i kinda knew what i was denoting to but at the same time i didn't know i had such a clear understanding of my word choices. Sometimes words kinda just form in my head and i write them down, not thinking too much about it. But i was posting this on Poetry.com and this numbnut was asking me what i was trying to say, implying that it was too short. You would be surprised at the amount of people who don't know what a haiku is on a website known as 'poetry.com' (at this rate they should pay me for all this advertising.. oh wait.. no one knows who i am hahahaha) ok but seriously, I'm not promoting them or anything.
But yeah, he commented twice and the second time he seemed apologetic and wanted to know what it meant, which to my surprise i understood word for word. So here is my explanation, feel free to input yours.
Greetings from yourself --- sober you(me) thinking back in retrospect
drunken --- drunk on sadness/worries etc.
dazed --- high on emotions
stars & headlights --- the night
how'd you find last night? --- are you ok?
so basically it was me, the day after thinking back on my tears, worries, angst, all that shit that i got caught up with last night, you know when you're so consumed with your thoughts and emotions that you can't think straight, can't function, and you're just in a daze and everything is a blur cuz nothing else matters.. well that was revealed last night when there was no one to judge me, no barriers to hold me from what i was feeling in that moment
and the morning after was just me
me all better
perhaps healed up even
asking
about yesterday
the person i was perhaps thinking about
the worries about the future
the present
that was paralysing me
im in a better place now, having let that go
and i was just asking myself
how'd you feel?
are you better?
those worries?
that person?
can you cope?
and you know what
i'll be ok.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Returned Void (Prelude)
The moon watched as i
Called out your name, and i
got nothing back, no.
----------------------------------
Wrote this today, tried to publish it on poetry.com ... something is up with that website since yesterday, can't upload no shit its kinda annoying, either ways I'm starting this haiku series called Conversations with the night, this is the prelude i guess lol. I already have a few of it down since haikus are short and fast to write, comment on your interpretation? yea i know I'm speaking to no one because the only page views i get is literally from myself lol, but whatever, TO ALL YOU OUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE, HIIIIiii. ok. i don't know what that was for. but feel free to interpret this haiku and leave it in the comments section (if i have one?) I'm really curious as to how other people think, anyways, yea. Oh, and never mind. lol. Don't really feel like ranting about boys at the moment, maybe later.
Called out your name, and i
got nothing back, no.
----------------------------------
Wrote this today, tried to publish it on poetry.com ... something is up with that website since yesterday, can't upload no shit its kinda annoying, either ways I'm starting this haiku series called Conversations with the night, this is the prelude i guess lol. I already have a few of it down since haikus are short and fast to write, comment on your interpretation? yea i know I'm speaking to no one because the only page views i get is literally from myself lol, but whatever, TO ALL YOU OUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE, HIIIIiii. ok. i don't know what that was for. but feel free to interpret this haiku and leave it in the comments section (if i have one?) I'm really curious as to how other people think, anyways, yea. Oh, and never mind. lol. Don't really feel like ranting about boys at the moment, maybe later.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Lionheart
As you all leave
grow up
move on with your lives
begin your lives
start a new chapter of your lives
you will be faced
with options
choices that you will have to make
the hardest part
is that these decisions
are based on your free will
only you get to make these decisions
will you be swayed by your peers
pressures of this world
temptations
desires
needs
wants
of the wrong things
they're not that bad right?
i mean
its just
a little bit..
but in your gut
something rises
refusing to settle
frankly
its uncomfortable
but let me tell you something
you may find this reassuring
you may not
with each choice you make
right or wrong
good or bad
disturbing or not
it will get easier
the guilt will wear away
so will the pleasures with time
there is a void that will become endless
and the further we drift from the truth
by listening to the lies
told by the devils of this world
beautiful little creatures of seduction
the deeper the gap hollows
in the end
it is your decision
your own free will
to muster up the courage
to listen to your gut
the innate conscience
we drown out
will you listen
to your mind if it has not yet been tinkered with
your heart if it is still loyal to the faith
do you have what it takes
to bare all
naked
to be transparent
without hidden agenda
to stand for what is right
not what the world says is right
not what is manipulated to be right
but what is right
and just
and lovely
and good
are you able to say
that it is I
I who chose
I who chose to embark on this path
because let me warn you
the wolves are close by
they're howling and snarling
their teeth snapping against what little fortress of twigs you have built to protect yourself
the crows
they're a multitude
closing in quick
the hills are dark
mountainous
and never ending
they all have one purpose
and that is to destroy you
and steal
your heart
your soul
your mind
will you
my dear
brave on
young lion heart.
6/6/15 11:15PM
Phoebe - His Child, Young lion heart.
-----------------------------------------------
This was inspired from todays message, worship song sung by the most inspirational person i look up to and respect immensely and my classmates graduating from high school. Classmates not me, i left after my sophomore year, but perhaps thats a story for another time. And i guess if i wasn't suppose to be doing my group report i probably wouldn't have the time to procrastinate and this poem wouldn't have come about lol. Basically, today's message was very personal to me it was about whether you would take the unpopular opinion (of course take it because it is the truth not just for the sake of standing against the current) and stand for it. We have a misconception of being brave and courageous, we see it as this notable act of defiance and rebellion that is admirable. It is not hard to be "true to who you are" ("true to your sinful desires") all that requires you to do is for you to do whatever you want because that is who you are and you should embrace it or whatever they're saying these days. We are very hypocritical, i mean, would you be able to apply this phrase to a murderer saying embrace who you are man, if killing is your thing, and dead corpses are your bae, if you're a necrophiliac, have at it. What is wrong with improving yourself? We have become so lazy, descending into this ultimatum of indulgence, self righteousness and arrogance that we refuse to see a doctor and have our impurities diagnosed because we are so conceited and comfortable in our filth. I am not here to condemn, we are all imperfect and we can never be perfect, but instead of swimming in our iniquities we should strive to be the best versions of ourselves. We are afraid of the struggle, well too bad, that's life, will you float on by and drown when the high tide rolls in, or will you go against the current and be swept away again and again, drowning, submerged beneath the ocean, will you struggle until you become a master of the ocean, and when the high tides come rolling in, will you finally after all your failures and tenacious voracity, will you be able to take on the wave, break into it, swim the uphill current, against the tide and hold you breath through it all until you come out victorious on the other side. Which path will you take? No one said it would be easy.
grow up
move on with your lives
begin your lives
start a new chapter of your lives
you will be faced
with options
choices that you will have to make
the hardest part
is that these decisions
are based on your free will
only you get to make these decisions
will you be swayed by your peers
pressures of this world
temptations
desires
needs
wants
of the wrong things
they're not that bad right?
i mean
its just
a little bit..
but in your gut
something rises
refusing to settle
frankly
its uncomfortable
but let me tell you something
you may find this reassuring
you may not
with each choice you make
right or wrong
good or bad
disturbing or not
it will get easier
the guilt will wear away
so will the pleasures with time
there is a void that will become endless
and the further we drift from the truth
by listening to the lies
told by the devils of this world
beautiful little creatures of seduction
the deeper the gap hollows
in the end
it is your decision
your own free will
to muster up the courage
to listen to your gut
the innate conscience
we drown out
will you listen
to your mind if it has not yet been tinkered with
your heart if it is still loyal to the faith
do you have what it takes
to bare all
naked
to be transparent
without hidden agenda
to stand for what is right
not what the world says is right
not what is manipulated to be right
but what is right
and just
and lovely
and good
are you able to say
that it is I
I who chose
I who chose to embark on this path
because let me warn you
the wolves are close by
they're howling and snarling
their teeth snapping against what little fortress of twigs you have built to protect yourself
the crows
they're a multitude
closing in quick
the hills are dark
mountainous
and never ending
they all have one purpose
and that is to destroy you
and steal
your heart
your soul
your mind
will you
my dear
brave on
young lion heart.
6/6/15 11:15PM
Phoebe - His Child, Young lion heart.
-----------------------------------------------
This was inspired from todays message, worship song sung by the most inspirational person i look up to and respect immensely and my classmates graduating from high school. Classmates not me, i left after my sophomore year, but perhaps thats a story for another time. And i guess if i wasn't suppose to be doing my group report i probably wouldn't have the time to procrastinate and this poem wouldn't have come about lol. Basically, today's message was very personal to me it was about whether you would take the unpopular opinion (of course take it because it is the truth not just for the sake of standing against the current) and stand for it. We have a misconception of being brave and courageous, we see it as this notable act of defiance and rebellion that is admirable. It is not hard to be "true to who you are" ("true to your sinful desires") all that requires you to do is for you to do whatever you want because that is who you are and you should embrace it or whatever they're saying these days. We are very hypocritical, i mean, would you be able to apply this phrase to a murderer saying embrace who you are man, if killing is your thing, and dead corpses are your bae, if you're a necrophiliac, have at it. What is wrong with improving yourself? We have become so lazy, descending into this ultimatum of indulgence, self righteousness and arrogance that we refuse to see a doctor and have our impurities diagnosed because we are so conceited and comfortable in our filth. I am not here to condemn, we are all imperfect and we can never be perfect, but instead of swimming in our iniquities we should strive to be the best versions of ourselves. We are afraid of the struggle, well too bad, that's life, will you float on by and drown when the high tide rolls in, or will you go against the current and be swept away again and again, drowning, submerged beneath the ocean, will you struggle until you become a master of the ocean, and when the high tides come rolling in, will you finally after all your failures and tenacious voracity, will you be able to take on the wave, break into it, swim the uphill current, against the tide and hold you breath through it all until you come out victorious on the other side. Which path will you take? No one said it would be easy.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Destruction in Disguise
Where you hear the sirens sing
The wind chill
The river weep
Where you see your clear reflection
Murky dark waters
Piranhas teeth
Where you smell the fresh sea water
Dead sailors' corpses
Disease in the air
Where you feel the salt ocean spray
Poison ivy's itch
Water filling your lungs
That's where I'll be
Don't look for me there
Its a beautiful temptation
One rather not share
----------------
So according to poetry.com I uploaded this 2 years ago, so i guess 2 or 3 years would be a safe estimate. Will try to upload a poem at least once a week, haven't been writing much so i'll have to rely on my old poems that's why only once a week is all that i can promise but obviously i may upload more. I realise when i type i sound like an old gentleman for some weird reason, hahaha maybe i have the soul of an old British man. Anyways hope you liked it, will be nice to hear from you lovely people of this universe.. wow i just said lovely people.. i feel like I'm constantly at a battle with two alter egos, anyways, ignore all that, have a nice day, its 1:01am and i should probably head to bed.. though i doubt that's whats going to happen.
The wind chill
The river weep
Where you see your clear reflection
Murky dark waters
Piranhas teeth
Where you smell the fresh sea water
Dead sailors' corpses
Disease in the air
Where you feel the salt ocean spray
Poison ivy's itch
Water filling your lungs
That's where I'll be
Don't look for me there
Its a beautiful temptation
One rather not share
----------------
So according to poetry.com I uploaded this 2 years ago, so i guess 2 or 3 years would be a safe estimate. Will try to upload a poem at least once a week, haven't been writing much so i'll have to rely on my old poems that's why only once a week is all that i can promise but obviously i may upload more. I realise when i type i sound like an old gentleman for some weird reason, hahaha maybe i have the soul of an old British man. Anyways hope you liked it, will be nice to hear from you lovely people of this universe.. wow i just said lovely people.. i feel like I'm constantly at a battle with two alter egos, anyways, ignore all that, have a nice day, its 1:01am and i should probably head to bed.. though i doubt that's whats going to happen.
Hi
lol.. i keep making a bunch of blogs and never follow through with them i really have to stop.. (that run on sentence though)
Anyways i thought it'd be nice to upload old poems i wrote that i came across, and also new ones that i come up with from time to time.
Hope you enjoy
Talk to me whenever
I love a good conversation.
With much love and regards,
Phoebe
P.S. All these poems are mine unless stated otherwise, if you have read it before which i doubt (but you can find me on poetry.com) it's probably under my pen name.
Anyways i thought it'd be nice to upload old poems i wrote that i came across, and also new ones that i come up with from time to time.
Hope you enjoy
Talk to me whenever
I love a good conversation.
With much love and regards,
Phoebe
P.S. All these poems are mine unless stated otherwise, if you have read it before which i doubt (but you can find me on poetry.com) it's probably under my pen name.
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