its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite

i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions

sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.

when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along

but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know

i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore

13.9.15

sometimes
it all feels like a play
act 1, scene 3, enter
and sometimes
you are your only audience
and sometimes
you forget which role you're playing
in between takes
when you were a moment too slow between sets
something sips in
and when the day is done
you sit there empty
and sometimes a tear trickles down
foreign
yet familiar
origin
unknown
without a script
confused but not quite
too much emotion and it almost feels unreal
unsure whether you're still in a role
unsure whether this is just another scene
or if this is you
if you're just tired
sometimes it feels most real
where there is nothing to be felt
nothing to be said
it just is the way it is
a droplet falling down your face
no strings attached
no accompanying memo
no prolonged sorrow
no rationale
nothing
i dont know