Pages of the Green Book - i

-stay up early enough and you just might realize that you are mad-

i am not her
but not yet fully Yours
i'm an in-between
i'm a nothing.

Like a zephyr
I do not possess the might of strong winds
or the beauty in stillness

I'm a wind that (has) lost its strength
A quiet that is broken
A restless that does not belong.

25/10/16

new tears, obviously (happy new year everybody)

At least it's still me
So horribly morbid
So exhilaratingly thrilling
So high on this life
I was born a poet
Laughter chose to plant its seeds within me
Tears chose to well from the damnest of my depths
Arguably,
I did not choose to be like this
But I'll take it
How terribly frightful it is to be anything but
A breath of fresh relief
A gripe to one's sanity

I don't need to trip on acid daisies
All I need is a trip down my own sane mind
To set me a going
Where to?
I don't hardly know
Someplace nice this time I hope.

---
New pen, new year, new problems
i sincerely wish you a happy new year, no matter how crappy it may have started <3

Questions for the Road Traveller

Do people think of anything when they stare out of these windows?
Or do they just stare blankly?
Their minds lost
In the vastness of the space in front of them
The membrane of the empty crevices of their mind
Pouring out
Seeping into every detailed confinement
The space between the branches
The atmosphere above the calm waters
Their eyes giving way to something beyond their own reflection
A familiar face
Replaced by one long forgotten

Does the road that stretch ahead
Remind them of a past they had to leave behind
Or promise them of a future yet to come
Does the rapid blur of color and motion
Turn into white noise
A distracting constant
Attempting to block out
The feelings that reveal themselves
When there is nothing else to busy the mind with
Do they try to fight back tears of a dear memory turned bitter with time
Or do they delude themselves into appreciating the beauty
That lies with each passing turn
When in reality
It is our of reach
Behind a glass window
Distancing away with the coming second
Something tangible and yet not
A beauty no one can comprehend

One looks
But what else is there to that
Than to look?
And to pretend to feel what you don't feel anymore
Fighting back the familiar feelings that have turned against you
Pretending that this is home
When you have traded keys a long time ago.

- from yesterday

boring update

its been so long ive forgotten that this exists
lol till my friend told me she stumbled upon this and i kinda freaked hahahaha
hi..if youre reading this

--

realizing
in front of me
a blank page
i have no inspiration to fill

they say poems are best written
when one is depressed

must be a good thing then
that for once
there is not much to be said

other then that im ok
and im happy
and maybe i just need to acknowledge that every once in a while

maybe when im down again
ill scroll past this and remember
i got through it once before

and as mediocre as it sounds
life is not all that bad
when you allow yourself to move on

its almost 2017
barely wrote anything for this year
makes you wonder
if the pain was too much to be shared
or the absence of it
explains my absence from here
huh

to my nonexistent audience
a terriblly
boring
free prose
for you

you know why
because the best ones are not written
but are lived

so take them as they come
the days you leave your rain jacket home
for a baseball cap and a pair of sunnies instead

they do come by
you just cant keep your head down all the time
and miss them when they make themselves present

or maybe you're scared
you haven't smiled in a while
and you forgot how

just leave that metaphorical house of depression of yours
and be awkward for a while
better awkward than sad <3

but hey
like the day that comes and go
if you missed it, dont beat yourself up
and wait for it
just wait for it to come round again :)

-
and though you dont believe it
the universe is too big for you to ever be alone
and if you still dont believe it
its ok
whether you're christian, atheist, buddhist, muslim, agnostic etc. whether you're just another kid down the block, or you're on your deathbed and anyone in between, whether you have made some terrible mistakes (criminal or not), or having an existential crisis etc, no hate.
im here for you
and im praying for you <3

i just sat there for a full minute saying fuck

(deleted)

i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore

the grey skies i know all too well

what do you do when you miss home
and home is a gathering of people that have gone their separate ways
home is the art pieces on your wall
the cluttered table and random thingamabobs
the mirror across your bed
your favourite comforter in the winter
the plushy sofa with a hole in one of the seats
the large balcony overseeing the whole neighborhood
the window you often scurry to, to check if you've missed the school bus
that one crappy bathroom, and the other good one
the house that was demolished
newly renovated
with people that dont belong there
in your house
home is the outdated music to your life's soundtrack
home is your favourite hoodie in the autumn
but the sun only shines in this summer ridden country
home is the worn out converse you have grown out of
sneaking out of the house between midnight and dawn with your best friend to buy food and run around the streets you've moved far away from
and so have they
theyve all moved far away too
and you'll never belong in middle and highschool again
listening to music in the school bus on the way to school
with all the other kids
drowsy mornings
and a silent appreciation of wandering minds
passing notes in class
being you teacher's favorite
pink scooter mug, free morning coffee in the science lab
looking up to see your crush staring back
being hungry in math class
that pink folder with all the inside jokes
watching the boys play soccer in the field
getting confused whether you're just friends or not
getting lost in the city when taking the wrong bus home
daring your friends to confess who they love
having your crush perform dares on you
going on school trips
silent bus rides in foreign lands
a sleepy spell across familiar faces of an 8 hour bus drive
24 hour train ride
4 hour flight
bonfire, praise songs
starry nights, muffled giggles
waves crashing, long walks
card games, guessing lyrics
blanket forts and water fights
orphan kids, a potato and an egg
free time, your travel buddy
night lights, summer heat
foreign lands, strange things
new culture, new people
one week, one picture
you'll never be wrecking havoc
and screaming at the top of your lungs
throwing paper balls on the way back
going to your best friends house and eating at cheap noodle places
bumping into your classmates at the hongqi store in the neighbourhood
carving your names on the 18th floor rooftop
impromptu meetups
and throwing freezbies that land on poor random stranger's heads
breaking into the tennis court
and losing your dog to the swimming pool
running around searching
getting tired and laying on the grass
trying to make out the stars in the hazy polluted midnight sky
wondering when you'll get out of here
talking about the future and dreaming big
as you look out the window because the teacher stopped joking and got serious again
its raining again, pit pat
i look across the classroom
no one's laughing anymore
one whole row
heads down sleeping
does the teacher not even care
some teachers i swear...

home isnt a place i cant go back to
its a time that the progression of my own existence has robbed me off of

its as though thinking is a method to all my problems when its really the opposite

i feel nothing
ive been living in my head for too long
and somehow
i have managed to detach myself from my emotions

sometimes i'll see a baby smile
and i'll smile
sometimes ill see something repulsive
and i'll get mad
but for the most part
nothing
im not sad
im not happy
im not mad
im not depressed
im just
not.

when ur depressed
there are times where u feel nothing
but
there will be tears
out of nowhere
uncontrollable
unquestioning
tears
and bouts of anger
and repression and agression
even some momentary pauses to the dull throbbing
and a smile comes along

but i dont know
im not sad
this doesnt feel like the depression i know

i just forget
that i feel nothing anymore
thats the thing about nothingness
you dont realize its presence
its not loud
or quiet
its nothing
its all in my head
my emotions are in my head
but physically
i feel this gape
this heavy hollow
and it sits at the center of my chest
and somehow its presence
eludes everything else
and i just
cant feel anything anymore
and the thing is
i cant even be sad about it
i can
but only in my head
my heart
where is my heart?
like i just
i dont know anymore
and this is suppose to be hard to say
but i'll confess to you so long as you ask the right questions
but they never do, do they?
they never care to find out anyways
and theres nothing wrong with that really
we'll just each go our own way
or remain stagnant in one place
it really doesnt make a difference anymore