Realizations

Not a poem

Here i am trying to find beauty in the angst
Revelation in the confusion
Amusement in the frustration
And i realize this is why people run
they run as fast as the adrenaline rises in their heart carry their feet
they run to make shift island of smoke and rivers of alcohol so they don't think

because when you think, you realize

and when you realize, you feel

and on the other side of your teenage meltdown
there's only pain

heartbreak and pain and dirty shoelaces
heartbreak and pain and tear stained pillow cases
heartbreak and pain and unwritten confessions

in my attempt to transcend my own emotions
i try to fit the frames of my life through the lens of a coming of age film
where you laugh and you laugh even when there's no reason to

But you laugh because the wind is in your hair
the sun is licking your cheeks
and you're bigger than whatever it is that's buried in your mind

you're bigger than anyone that tries to take hold of your emotions

because to laugh
is to make little of what wants to be felt

to laugh
is to push aside the pounding in your chest

to laugh is to keep silent the voices in your head

and i laugh.

i laugh until i realize
i can only choose between two extremities

to transcend and laugh at everything
be mesmerized by a visage i so carefully paint
There is no feeling, only wonder
amazement and wonder

or i could cry
and just be overwhelmed by the drowning of my own overthinking
my own faults
my own emotions

i could admit to myself
that im not in control
i could admit
that ive lost the reigns to my mind
and it has me on a choke hold

the yellow book - i

you're trying to find
in the recesses of your mind
if any imaginary form of creative production
would bring about a satisfactory outcome

and you let that dictate how you feel.

you play it out in your head
even though you don't know the backstory
you play it out in your head
and when it stops becoming
do you stop feeling?

The question for me will always be
between the chances to take
and the chances to forget.

23.2.17.

Pages of the Green Book - i

-stay up early enough and you just might realize that you are mad-

i am not her
but not yet fully Yours
i'm an in-between
i'm a nothing.

Like a zephyr
I do not possess the might of strong winds
or the beauty in stillness

I'm a wind that (has) lost its strength
A quiet that is broken
A restless that does not belong.

25/10/16

new tears, obviously (happy new year everybody)

At least it's still me
So horribly morbid
So exhilaratingly thrilling
So high on this life
I was born a poet
Laughter chose to plant its seeds within me
Tears chose to well from the damnest of my depths
Arguably,
I did not choose to be like this
But I'll take it
How terribly frightful it is to be anything but
A breath of fresh relief
A gripe to one's sanity

I don't need to trip on acid daisies
All I need is a trip down my own sane mind
To set me a going
Where to?
I don't hardly know
Someplace nice this time I hope.

---
New pen, new year, new problems
i sincerely wish you a happy new year, no matter how crappy it may have started <3

Questions for the Road Traveller

Do people think of anything when they stare out of these windows?
Or do they just stare blankly?
Their minds lost
In the vastness of the space in front of them
The membrane of the empty crevices of their mind
Pouring out
Seeping into every detailed confinement
The space between the branches
The atmosphere above the calm waters
Their eyes giving way to something beyond their own reflection
A familiar face
Replaced by one long forgotten

Does the road that stretch ahead
Remind them of a past they had to leave behind
Or promise them of a future yet to come
Does the rapid blur of color and motion
Turn into white noise
A distracting constant
Attempting to block out
The feelings that reveal themselves
When there is nothing else to busy the mind with
Do they try to fight back tears of a dear memory turned bitter with time
Or do they delude themselves into appreciating the beauty
That lies with each passing turn
When in reality
It is our of reach
Behind a glass window
Distancing away with the coming second
Something tangible and yet not
A beauty no one can comprehend

One looks
But what else is there to that
Than to look?
And to pretend to feel what you don't feel anymore
Fighting back the familiar feelings that have turned against you
Pretending that this is home
When you have traded keys a long time ago.

- from yesterday

boring update

its been so long ive forgotten that this exists
lol till my friend told me she stumbled upon this and i kinda freaked hahahaha
hi..if youre reading this

--

realizing
in front of me
a blank page
i have no inspiration to fill

they say poems are best written
when one is depressed

must be a good thing then
that for once
there is not much to be said

other then that im ok
and im happy
and maybe i just need to acknowledge that every once in a while

maybe when im down again
ill scroll past this and remember
i got through it once before

and as mediocre as it sounds
life is not all that bad
when you allow yourself to move on

its almost 2017
barely wrote anything for this year
makes you wonder
if the pain was too much to be shared
or the absence of it
explains my absence from here
huh

to my nonexistent audience
a terriblly
boring
free prose
for you

you know why
because the best ones are not written
but are lived

so take them as they come
the days you leave your rain jacket home
for a baseball cap and a pair of sunnies instead

they do come by
you just cant keep your head down all the time
and miss them when they make themselves present

or maybe you're scared
you haven't smiled in a while
and you forgot how

just leave that metaphorical house of depression of yours
and be awkward for a while
better awkward than sad <3

but hey
like the day that comes and go
if you missed it, dont beat yourself up
and wait for it
just wait for it to come round again :)

-
and though you dont believe it
the universe is too big for you to ever be alone
and if you still dont believe it
its ok
whether you're christian, atheist, buddhist, muslim, agnostic etc. whether you're just another kid down the block, or you're on your deathbed and anyone in between, whether you have made some terrible mistakes (criminal or not), or having an existential crisis etc, no hate.
im here for you
and im praying for you <3

i just sat there for a full minute saying fuck

(deleted)

i calmed down
i sat
cross legged
on my bed
head tilted up
with my eyes close as the tears caress my face
now a silent
silent stream
a silent
silent stream
as i admit
defeat
what is there even anymore